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Tuesday, 31 July 2007
Anxious attachment
At last I am getting to where I was meant to be going. The link between anxiety, panic attacks and attachment.
We all have basic feeling systems deep down inside in our character. On the surface each day we have a wide variety of feelings from anger, to scare, to sadness, to sexual, to embarrassment to happiness and joy and so on endlessly. These come and go many times each day. We also have a consistent feeling in our character that changes very little.
Some people have an angry character or a sad and melancholy character or a happy character. It is just there all the time in the background with us and sometimes it comes out into the fore ground. But that feeling state is with us usually for the rest of our days. It is not an easy thing to change. Changing one’s character is a very difficult thing to do.
Some people of course are of an anxious character. There is a sense of anxiety that pervades in the background for us. It can be quite mild or it can be quite intense. This varies from person to person. What causes it? Probably we are born with a propensity to a certain feeling state and then how we are raised determines the rest. So a combination of both. What I will look at here is one way a person can develop an anxious character and that relates to a child who develops an anxious attachment to a parent.
Here is the separation continuum. Well it is actually half of it. This looks at the various levels at which a child can be emotionally abandoned by mother. It goes from the normal range to complete abandonment. The other half of it, pointing in the other direction goes from the normal range to complete smothering or over protection by mother, but that is another story.
Children who fall on this side of the scale are the ones who have been under protected. Those children who have been forced to stand on their own two feet before they were psychologically ready. Often this child is the oldest child, who is given the responsibility of looking after the younger children before he is psychologically capable. In other cases, some parents have their own personal problems which restrict them in how much support and nurturing they give to their children. Often these are the parents who are there, while not being there. That is the parents who provide physically but not emotionally. This leaves the child feeling emotionally abandoned.
Parents can be physically and psychologically unavailable in varying degrees. The more severe the unavailability, the more damaged is the resultant character feeling in the child. If the parenting is just outside the normal range then the child will develop an angry character. Statements such as, "It's not fair" are common for children in this group. The anger is not of a very severe nature, however the child who is consistently raised in this way, will have an angry character which is basically an attempt at paying back the parents. Sometimes you will observe a young child who has been left by mother who had to go to an appointment or such. On the mother’s return the child will say things like: “I don’t want you”, “Mummy is naughty” and may even hit out at mummy physically. The child feels angry that it was ‘abandoned’ at least in its eyes. This chastisement by the child of the parent is done so the parents will not do it again. The child is telling the parent off for their neglect.
Developing healthy attachments with children is a hard thing for parents to do
If the unavailability of the parents is more prolonged and pronounced, then the child will become anxious or scared. Some phobias or panic attacks can result from this basic scare which the child feels towards her 'abandonment'. The child begins to realise that this emotional abandonment is more serious than first thought. Initially it could be angry but it now sees that the parents are serious about not emotionally being there and thus it reacts more with scare than anger. It stops chastising the parents and goes more into survival mode. “I can’t make these people look after me by getting angry at them so I am going to have to survive by standing on my own two feet”. Hence we get the term, the “Hurried child” or the child who is required to be emotionally self sufficient before they are able to do so.
So here we have the term the “Anxious attachment”. The attachment between mother and child is structured such that it promotes anxiety in the child. So what happens to such children?
This can sometimes lead to the ‘Good child’. This child decides, “What I have to do iskeep a low profile, do the right thing, behave and conform and that will keep them around. That will then make me safe”. Whilst it does not make the child safe it does make them feel a bit safer and a bit is better than nothing. The unfortunate thing for this child is they rarely get identified. They don’t complain and they don’t make trouble so they are assumed to be happy children. But underneath the goodness is anxiety.
"If I study hard and get good grades, then they will be happy and want me to stay around"
As they grow into adolescence they can still remain unidentified or they can develop other difficulties like self mutilation or perhaps an eating disorder. Teenage girls with an eating disorder are often nice conforming people with some anxiety. The other thing that such a child can decide is: “There must be something wrong with me or they wouldn’t be treating me as such. There must be something bad about me or they would look after me properly” and thus you can get the self mutilative acts, eating disorder, self loathing and low self image. At times these can be quite pronounced and then you can have a third degree impasse.
However if they remain unidentified then when they are in their late 20s or early 30s the bubble finally bursts an they end up in my consulting room. They can no longer cope with the panic attacks or the anxiety that they endure day after day. So they will seek help of some kind or turn to drugs and alcohol to self medicate the anxiety away.
Some children from an anxious attachment wont be so conforming and they can act out and do things like School Refusal. The child starts refusing to go to school. (There are other causes of school refusal such as maternal over protection as well). Obviously this then leads to some action being taken and often the child is diagnosed as having Separation Anxiety. Such a child decides, “Being away from mother is frightening so I will stay around her as much as possible and then I will feel safe”. Again it does not make the child feel safe but it makes them feel a bit safer and a bit is better than nothing. So the child will not go to school, or on camps, or even do sleep overs with friends. Sometimes they will even try and sleep with the parents in their bed as many nights as they can get away with. Sometimes bed wetting is a symptom of separation anxiety. If a child wets its bed then it is much more difficult for it to stay away from home over night. They seek to maintain as much geographical proximity to mother as they can, and this in turn makes the anxiety less, temporarily.
To complete the separation continuum.
If the emotional abandonment is even more severe the child goes beyond scare and becomes despairing. This child is considering giving up, because life seems too bad. He tends to have poor emotional development, be apathetic, display rocking behaviour, have a weak cry, sleep excessively and show little spontaneous excitement. We saw examples of this when Romania was liberated with the TV images of orphanages showing young children with blank expressions in cots just standing there displaying very little movement or emotion. If these people survive then they can have significant psychological disturbance.
Romanian orphanage. The blank expressionless face shows a despair and "I give up" attitude.
The final group is that of marasmus and death. Whereas in despair the child was considering giving up, in marasmus the child has given up, and so will not even give a weak cry of help. Such children have been abandoned psychologically and physically. With little physical or psychological attention, a child will develop mental and physical deterioration even to the point of death. This tends to occur to children in large institutions who are rarely picked up or touched.
Graffiti
15:50 Permalink | Comments (29) | Email this
Comments
That is a very sad post, Tony. I don't feel that I ever attached to my mother properly. She never really liked me. Because of this, I attached to that 'other one', which just about ruined my life. They should have given me up for adoption. If nothing else, my childhood made me determined to educate myself on how to be a good mother for my children and made me more sensitive to their needs.
At least as an adult I was eventually able to trade in my despair over her, for blessed relief at her absence. I sometimes still feel hurt by the way she treated me as a child and even as an adult in the past, but I would be indescribably miserable if I had not cut off contact. I googled a bunch of stuff one day, and if it is to be believed, she fits the description of the hopeless narcissist. I never knew it had a name, I just knew that I was miserable, confused and emotionally exhausted. Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. Above all else, I was always, always wrong. Unless, of course, my temporary rightness brought her some kind of public glory (and she would immediately recant on said glory the minute I wouldn't do, say or even think whatever she wanted me too. A month of slave labour and unflinching devotion to be in her good graces and one minute to erase every good thing I had ever done.) The sad part is -- she never could get her hooks into me like that until HE died.
My comment on that first post of yours about attachment? Well, I guess I have my reasons for feeling repulsed by attachment.
Again -- the classic overshare. Well, I don't talk much about these things except to my husband and my therapist, so I suppose that is why I spill my guts online. Why the silence on these things IRL? Because I have no friends. A person has to be able to form attachments to have friends.
Official End of Rant
Posted by: Lynn | Tuesday, 31 July 2007
It is not a rant Lynn,
In the blogosphere just about anything is allowed. Say what you like, is what I like about the blogosphere.
Attachment is a good thing Lynn, not that we humans have much choice. It is what we have and what we need to remain 'sane'.
thanks for dropping by and saying your piece
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Tuesday, 31 July 2007
Does a human need the attachment to be with another human? Or can it be an animal instead?
You hear of the odd story of children growing up with animals in the wild, like wolves.
I remember the pictures from the Romanian Orphanages. They are haunting.
Posted by: kahless | Wednesday, 01 August 2007
G'day Tony, I need to be touched.
Hi Lynn, attachment is a big frightening thing. Yep...
Kahless, I love my dog! I like cats too but we don't have any. She, our dog, likes to touch and be touched too. 'Giggles'
Roses
Posted by: Roses | Wednesday, 01 August 2007
Hello, Your site is great. Regards, Valintino Guxxi
Posted by: Valintino | Wednesday, 01 August 2007
Hi Kahless,
people can get attached to just about anything.
Places, things like cars, animals and so forth.
Often it involves a bit of anthropomorphosing, but hey that has never stopped anyone.
Graffiti
Posted by: Graffiti | Wednesday, 01 August 2007
Hi Roses.
Sounds like you have a nice dog
Graffiti
Posted by: Graffiti | Wednesday, 01 August 2007
Hello Valintino
Regards,
Graffiti
Posted by: Graffiti | Wednesday, 01 August 2007
Ohh Tony! We really do. She's such a good friend - i can tell her anything and everything and i know i'm safe.When things aren't so nice, she comes and sits really really near, or on us and licks. I never ever liked being licked by anything or anyone but when life hurts it's strangely - kind or something.
Have you ever been licked by a cow? Hmm... they have the roughest sand paper for tongues! Really strange how some things are isn't it?
I'm getting to writing lately. Just some poetry. Sketching and painting too. Just an urge that happens rarely or often - guess it depends (on what, i have very little clue - but nice none the less)
Do you draw, paint, write fiction or poetry? I think you'd be really good at it. For some reason I seem to think you have a really active imagination. Be aware though, when you write something - especially if it's fiction and therefore from the very intimate 'self' - it can be very cold, lonely and frighening to expose your-inner-self to others. I've been lucky i guess, being a vocalist. Not only do the audience have a huge range of tastes but so do the musos and they often consider a singer far less. Peer pressure in the creative scene can be so harsh, but 'one is simply what one is'.
I hope the weather didn't beat you up too much, i saw that it has been a tad rough over there. It's August, almost spring! Pretty soon we'll be running out of the heat inside to the airconditioning, but for just a few months it will be just right here and there.
I hope you're able to smile and being (feeling) effective in your self. I hope you realise that you matter - cause you do you know?
I have to go and write some stuff now. They want to have a recital or something soon, so i better get my fingers to the keyboard and make some marks on the computer screen. It's fun, we could write together if you like, i think you'd enjoy it -so fun!
Take care of you (yes that means - eat your greens!)... Roses
Posted by: Roses | Thursday, 02 August 2007
Hi Roses,
I am a dog person too.
My 'babies'
:o)
are called Ben and Holly.
I will make sure I don't get licked by a cow.
Posted by: kahless | Thursday, 02 August 2007
Graffiti,
I have been trawling youtube tonight. I found this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIml7cPow0E&feature=dir
(WARNING to all: don't go to the link if you hate spiders.)
this shows that you aussie's are stark raving mad!!
Kahless.
Posted by: kahless | Friday, 03 August 2007
Thank you for your kind comments Roses and i will take your advice and eat my greens.
No can't say I've been licked by a cow but I do recall that cats toungues are like sandpaper also.
No I don't draw or write fiction but my creative puruist at the moment is movie making and editting. Indeed I am going on a course this very weekend to do some of precisely that
Cheers
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Friday, 03 August 2007
Yes kahless it is a bit kooky,
but what the heck a record is a record
tony
Posted by: Tony | Friday, 03 August 2007
Ooo Tony! That sounds like fun! In an educational way of cause. Ohh i hope your day is nice and you get to pick up lots of little and big youtube bits to help your artistic - ohh what was it? - "Creative puruist" - what ever that is. It doesn't sound too painful so i hope it's all good for you.
Sheesh! I'm doing this conveyancing thingy and every time we get a great date to settle on, something comes up. Sooooo frustrating! We'll get there - where there's a will, there's a way - we just have to find it! (Find the way that is *giggles*)
Ps, 'frustrating' in a challenging kind of way. Like a great game of chess, or sudoku puzzle (grrr) but it is so fun! Have a lovely week end and cheers to you...
Roses
Posted by: Roses | Saturday, 04 August 2007
G'day Kahless,
Good on Tom hey? Over 100 spiders for 55 seconds. Not quite my cup of tea but as Tony says, a record is a record. Humans are such amazing creatures aren't we? And aww how cute is he not wanting to get up before they were all safe, incase he squashed one. What a sweetie! Nice Youtube crusing! Happy week end! Cheers...
Roses
Posted by: Roses | Saturday, 04 August 2007
Well Roses it was certainly worthwhile going to,
Initally I thought it was a waste of time as the woman just sat and talked about this and that but it was beneficial as I got a much better understanding of the overall picture of the whole thing.
then in the afternoon I learnt some good specifics.
it was worth it
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Saturday, 04 August 2007
G'day Roses.
Yes a record is a record, but why do that? Nope; I'm not interested in any records.
I even won a charity singing competition once and my prize was to get to go to a recording studio for a day and get a record made. Couldn't be bothered to collect the prize and never did. I just wanted to prove that I could do it, that was all.
Hope you're not getting licked by too many cows: do you live on a farm?
We have had a new outbreak of foot and mouth here in the UK. I hope they can contain it because the slaughtering of the cattle and burning them in the fields is horrible.
Hope you have a good weekend
Kahless.
Posted by: Kahless | Saturday, 04 August 2007
Yep Tony,
"it was worth it". Yep - usually. I really didn't know that there were training courses out there for things like youtube. Sounds a bit like a "youtube for dummies" type thing - not that you're a dummy of cause *giggles*, actually i think we owe our lives to some 'crash' dummies out there some where! Maybe being a dummy, though dangerous, is a noble thing - just 'maybe' that is...
I'm having a bit of a break from reading the TA stuff. Ouch! It's tough work seeing things that way (especially in myself). It could do damage to the person doing the studying. It's a wonderful thing though - to see things differently. I was talking to a friend who came for breky this morning. Gosh shes' a lovely lady Tony, But her life and circumstances are not something i would envy. Talking to her, I tried to explain some of the TA stuff - Just the 3 circle with P,A and C, and a little bit about the contamination thing. Ohh my goodness! It made sense - totally! She put in stuff and i put in stuff - holy smokes, it's kind of like doing a puzzle but with someone else doing it too. It's nice to do stuff with others, it makes it more fun or something.
We didn't exactly solve the worlds problems but it did help me to 'see' things more clearly and helped me so much to be 'with' her during our breky time rather than just be 'there' while we ate porriage and sipped coffee. She helped me see things more closely than ever before. I love her Tony, she's one of the few real friends that one finds in life. I am ever so grateful to you - you'll probably never know how much but - thank you.
You found the Youtube thingy good? I'm so glad about that! I'm realy glad that you were a tad disappointed early in the piece, that's why every little gem or treasure you found were so well worth the time you took to find them. For me, I guess it helps to step out of the 'spoon feed me' thinking and take the initiative to find what we need for ourselves.
It's strange how things are rarely as they seem isn't it?
I think your mondays are usually full on - don't know why i think that but i hope this monday is good for you and starts to flow early. Happy day and cheers to you...
Roses
Posted by: Roses | Monday, 06 August 2007
Hi Roses,
It sounds like you have a good friend there Roses who you had porridge with. Been a long time since I had porridge.
Friends like that are hard to come across don't you think, but good when you do. It is an uncomplicated relationship - friends. Marriage can of course be very close and intimate but is so much more complicated and that seems to make it much harder. Don't loose her Roses.
YouTube thingee was productive as I said. Sometimes when I take on a new venture like this I will immediately want to do stuff, like make a short movie. But I don't get a look at the whole picture and see the wider context of what I am doing. this then gets me into difficulties down the track.
So with this course I was 'forced' by her to get an overview because she was 'running the show'. Now I am glad that she did that because I understand how to do things better.
tony
Posted by: Tony | Monday, 06 August 2007
Ooo G'day Kahless!
Oh - i've been watching on the telly, all the stuff about that yucky disease! I just so 'feel' for the farmers involved! I know that live stock are simply a means to a living, but animal husbandry is just that - husbandry and the weight of responsibility for lots of 'alive' creatures is such a big thing. Heart breaking! That's all i can think - totally heartbreaking!!
We don't live on a farm now, but i did grow up on one where our live stock were family to me and the mother cows probably thought of us as their own kids. They used to lick us, such a beautiful thing really but - ouch! We played with the calves running and jumping while they would run and kick up their feet with us and their mums would watch us just like mums do as would our parents.
I remember going down to the bottom paddock to get my horse for our daily routine. It was winter like it is here now, and i remember her lying in the sun on the grass. She didn't even budge so i put the bridle down and layed down on the grass in the warm sun with her. We would lie there for ages, i would use her throat as a pillow and just yack and yack while she snoozed. It was wonderful to be with her, the way she would breathe, her scent and her friendship/love.
Things change don't they?
I really hope that disease thingy over there is over really soon and that someone somewhere will help those farmers to find their lives again. I hurt for them. We need them.
Hope Monday is behaving itself for you. Gosh i just rave! Sorry bout that Tony! Happy day - cheers...
Roses
Posted by: Roses | Monday, 06 August 2007
Ohh my goodness! The bigger picture type stuff! Ewww!
Just SO important though, isn't it? I guess it helps us progress.
She's leaving, going to live in Brisbane. I'm so happy for her, cause i'm hoping it will help them through some stuff, but i'm kind of sad too. I'm frightened i'll forget them. That's what happens in me if i don't see people or talk to them for a while - a week or 2. I just kind of 'forget' them, then i'm all nervous when i meet them again cause i can't remember who they are - like meeting someone new.
I think with her it may be different because she's the type of person who seems to never forget anyone - ever! She's just amazing!
I have to be happy for them when they go and i will be happy for them. It's hard to love someone enough to let go and help them to let go too, isn't it? But it's all good, I guess it has something to do with progress. Perhaps...
Smile ... Roses
Posted by: Roses | Monday, 06 August 2007
Time for a new post, Graffiti???
Posted by: Madeleine | Monday, 06 August 2007
Great minds think alike Madeleine,
I am writing one right now!!
Should be done in about 20 minutes.
Graffiti
Posted by: Graffiti | Monday, 06 August 2007
I'm waiting. Come on Graffiti. Geee sometimes you can be incredibly sloooooooowww !!!! :-)
Posted by: Madeleine | Monday, 06 August 2007
Hi Tony,
Would you agree that some children - maybe far too many - come into the world angry because of their frightening birth experiences? Even easy births must be traumatic: all those bright lights as you emerge from that cosy womb you've been cradled in for nine months, and then maybe being slapped to make you breathe. It's not surprising that many babies' first out-of-womb emotions are scare/anger/resentment.
I so much agree with you about 'anxious attachment'. I still remember - and I'm nearly 80 now - my own panic-fear as a small child when my mother left me, even for an hour or two. I used to think she'd never come back.
A lovely thoughtful post! I'll be back for more. Meanwhile, do drop in at anticant's burrow and anticant's arena - anticant.blogspot.com and antarena.blogspot.com - not therapy blogs as such [though I am/was a counsellor], but some stuff that may interest you. And do you know Ms Melancholy's lovely blog?
Posted by: anticant | Tuesday, 07 August 2007
Hi Madeleine,
huh!
you can talk, I'm waiting for a recent post from you ...!!!!
:o)
Kahless.x.
Posted by: kahless | Tuesday, 07 August 2007
G'day Roses,
BTW, how intelligent are cows?
And monday was relatively well behaved thanks, apart from this bl**dy headache I cant get rid off.
Oh and you rave? does that mean you go to wild parties their in Ozland?
:o)
Kah.x.
Posted by: kahless | Tuesday, 07 August 2007
*Giggles* g'day Kahless,
Umm how intelligent are cows?
Wouldn't know sorry though some would say i should (*Standing, hands on hips shouting "I AM NOT A COW!!!" - SO cheeky!!!!). They can give a heap of milk every day, I know that much! Unless you're slow at milking them, cause then they hold the milk up somehow, wanting to get on with their day/night which ever it might be. Cheeky girls! Is that classed as intelligent? When i was breast feeding my boys, geez i wish i could have done that when they were asleep! Seems pretty clever to me!
What would you class as intelligent?
I just loved them, that's all. I hope Tuesday is smiling at you and your head ache is looooong gone! Cheers to you.
Ohh ps, this is raving. Talking a lot but not saying much *giggels*. Parties, naaa, i'm a good girl i am! ;-)
Posted by: Roses | Tuesday, 07 August 2007
G'day Roses,
Pigs are meant to be mega intelligent. Some countries (like here) have strict laws about how they are kept. They have to have toys to play with apparently. I'm not kidding. Not true in Holland though, that's why I never eat Danish bacon.
:o)
Posted by: Kahless | Tuesday, 07 August 2007
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