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Wednesday, 26 March 2008
Family first
You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.
A saying that is very common in Australia and perhaps other parts of the world as well. It also highlights a difference between friends and family. The saying implies that you are stuck with your family and that you belong to them.
Who are you supposed to celebrate Christmas with? Family.
Who’s birthdays are you supposed to remember? Family.
It is that group of people whom you have a primary attachment to (and in some ways an obligation to).
No matter where you live, family is family and has tremendous impact on who we become
Humans are primarily communal beings and are much better off psychologically if they have a sense of community or belonging. The basic family unit can provide this community. It is that group of people who you grew up with. Your childhood was spent living with these people. In psychological terms that means a lot. Then there is your biological mother and father, the two people who created you. If it weren’t for them you would not even exist and that carries a good deal of psychological weight weather you like it or not.
A sense of belonging is a primary human motive.
In addition to this most societies and religions structure them selves around the family being the primary group in a society. Perhaps this is why adultery is such a big deal in some societies and why affairs are so disapproved of. It is the primary structure in which to raise the younger members of the society. So the basic family unit is given a very high status for economic, political, social and psychological reasons. Powerful forces indeed!
However there is just one problem. What happens if you don't get on with some of your family members? Indeed what if there is strong and intense dislikes as there sometimes is. My busiest time of year for counselling is christmas because it is when families get together. For the rest of the year they can by and large avoid each other. At christmas time they are ‘forced’ to be together because that is what families do at christmas. Add in alcohol and all the old feelings and conflicts come out from years ago and it becomes a shit fight and they end up in my office seeking counsel.
Of course none of this happens with friends because you can choose them.
Families vary in terms of their degree of community or belonging. At one end of the continuum is the enmeshed family.
The family members are all close and intertwined and there is a sense of a big barrier around them. This barrier is to protect them because out there it is scary. They say things like,
“You can only ever really trust family”
“Blood is thicker than water”
This is typical of Italian and Greek families.
So these people have a very strong sense of belonging and community and in this way it is good psychologically. There are lots of big family get togethers and everyone knows everyone else's business. The attachments are very strong and people will at times even die for them.
However it has a downside as there is a lack of a sense of independence and it is very hard to break away from if one wants to go away and live somewhere else in the world. Lots of pressure can be applied to stop such things so a sense of smothering can result and a sense never being who you really are (self actualisation).
We all want to be free to achieve what we can for ourselves. Achieve our full potential.
Also there can be problems in marriages. If the son marries a woman who is not acceptable to the family then she can for ever be treated as an outsider and she is never really accepted into the family. Sometimes in couples counselling the husband will let slip with a comment like,
“After going to the supermarket I just popped in at home for half an hour”.
Of course the wife instantly sees red at this because “home” is where mother and father live not where the wife and kids live. In enmeshed families sometimes the son (or daughter) never really leaves home in this way and that can result in considerable marital problems.
At the other end is the distancing family.
In this instance there are very tenuous connections between family members and often there is no contact for long periods of time. There is very little sense of belonging and the family being a close knit group with a clear sense of boundary between it and the rest of the world. The downside to this a lack of that sense of community or belonging which goes along with psychological health. Many anxiety problems can result from this type of family upbringing. On the other hand these people are very free to go out into the world and be themselves and achieve their own potentials to the fullest.
Sometimes you hear people say
“One of the reasons I married her was because I liked her family a lot”. This can indicate a person from a distancing family who manages to obtain a sense of belonging to a family by marrying not only the wife but her family as well.
With friends there is none of these dynamics.
Graffiti
20:00 Permalink | Comments (11) | Email this
Comments
G'day Tony,
"With friends there is none of these dymanics"? You actually said that?
Why do you think that?
What do you think a 'friend' is? Though I love my brother, my sisters are friends just as the other people who have attached themselves to my life.
I don't understand what you're saying.
roses
Posted by: roses | Thursday, 27 March 2008
I certainly agree Roses that a blood relative can also be a friend. And when that happens that is great.
What is a friend?
I am still to get to that bit Roses
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Thursday, 27 March 2008
It's sad to me to think that someone would marry with that being one of the main reasons - because they like the family?
Stay away from the girl or the guy and just be friends with the family for goodness sake! Ask them can you be one of their sons or daughters instead! Geez!
I've been watching some movies of late, two of them being: Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Predjudice. (You don't have to like them if you don't want to, but i happen to like them very much.) AND...
'Family' and 'Money' - that's what marriage was all about back then. It concerns me to see it's still that way now.
Yes...
I hurt myself in the tub the other day and i've been down for the count this week just gone. It's yucky!
So... i hope you do post that article here about 'friends' when you can. I'm going to get back to the books. Gosh! I'm glad i'm just a student and not a hole digger or something. My family would starve! I don't earn anything so me being hurt doesn't make that much difference.
It's Friday! If i don't get to come back to visit this weekend - I hope you have a lovely one.
roses
Posted by: roses | Friday, 28 March 2008
Hello Grafitti, thanks for your birthday wishes yesterday. I like the way you describe families and the need for them. I guess that is hard for some who really wish to "belong" but seem to push others away and not quite get what they want. Maybe they don't really want a family or perhaps its too scary committing to that? I like that man and his monkey; I cant tell who is chained to who though?
kenoath
Posted by: kenoath | Friday, 28 March 2008
Hi Roses,
After 25 years of counselling I have discovered that people marry for a whole variety of reasons, like because they want to be able to join a family, or they want to get away from their family and so on endlessly.
it is great if love is a part of the reason why one would get married, but marriage for love is a very western concept of affluent societies.
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Friday, 28 March 2008
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Kenoath,
Happy birthday to you.
I also think the man and his monkey picture is great Kenoath with the money having his hand resting on the guy's leg!!
As you say Kenoath, chained together and I suppose that what it is like in some families.
graffiti
Posted by: Graffiti | Friday, 28 March 2008
I guess it depends on the family you were lucky (or unlucky) enough to be born into. I don't have anything in common with my family, haven't seen anyone in years - living thousands of Km away helps. And I have to wish to see my family of origin. My son family, yes, that's important.
Posted by: Madeleine | Friday, 28 March 2008
I enjoy my family very much these days and perhaps that has developed more so, by my involvement in different kinds of 'family' groups such as therapy groups, training groups and nurturing kind of social groups. In that way, I could say that I have many pseudo families which have helped to change my experience of my own family.
Maybe thats what is going on with the Monkey and the man?
cheers, looking forward to getting home tomorrow.
kenoath
Posted by: kenoath | Friday, 28 March 2008
I like the monkey and the man picture very much too.
Posted by: kahless | Saturday, 29 March 2008
Ohh Happy birthday Ken! I really hope you had a lovely day.
Tony,
I like being with family but i like not being with family too. Alone is good but not all the time.
I like the first picture the best. Gosh some people are beautiful! How cute is the little baby! Ohh my goodness - so beautiful!
I would like you to expound on your comment to Madeleine and I please. The bit about being 'short sighted'. I didn't understand it. Short sighted is when we see close up? If that's so then yes, when it comes to racism i do see close. But i don't understand what you mean when you say it. Are you able to explain?
I hope this weekend is a nice breather for you. It's good when that happens you know?
roses
Posted by: roses | Saturday, 29 March 2008
Yes it is a great picture Roses.
If you want to see the original big version click on the photograph and that will take you to my Flickr. Above the picture click on "All sizes" and that will take you to the big version.
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Saturday, 29 March 2008