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Monday, 31 March 2008
What’s your racket feeling?
A racket is a feeling but not a here and now or Free Child feeling. It is an Adapted Child feeling or an inauthentic feeling. It is not a real feeling but a feeling the person has for some other motive.
One way a racket feeling can develop is by how children are raised. That is, children will be given strokes for some feelings and no strokes for other feelings. In Australia and I assume most of the western world boys and girls are raised by getting different strokes for different feelings. This can result in racket feelings.
Young children and feelings, what sense do they make of them?
When a young girl is in the school yard it does not take her long to learn that when she shows angry feelings then things are not right. She is accused of being a bitch and good little girls don’t get angry. She in later life when angry she is told she is being an aggressive woman and that is a very bad thing by society’s standards.
So the girl and woman are encouraged not to feel and show anger. However should that little girl fall over in the playground at primary school and cut her knee, then she may cry. When she cries she discovers that lots of people give her attention and good attention at that. She is looked after and told that she is a good person.
So she is encouraged to be sad and discouraged to be angry and that is how she ends up with a sadness racket . We get a layering of feelings. Sadness is layered over anger like the diagram below:
Everytime she gets angry all of a sudden she is sad and crying even without her even realising.
When a young boy in the school playground falls over and cuts his knee and starts to cry what happens to him. He is called a wimp, a whoose, a girl, and so forth. He quickly learns that it is not the thing to do. However when he gets angry and shoves and pushes the other boys he earns respect and is see as being a real boy. He is encouraged to be angry and discouraged to be sad. So he layers his feleings the other way and ends up with an angry racket.
Everytime he gets sad all of a sudden he is angry even without him even realising.
So the young girl grows up into an adult woman. She goes about life and at some point a person is insulting to her and she states to this person that she is angry about the insult. Then all of a sudden she is crying!! When you are angry you are not suppose to cry. You cry when you are sad. She feels angry but changes it into racket sadness and is crying rather than being angry.
If she is quiet how will people relate to her?
The young boy grows up into an adult man. As he goes about life one day he hears that his lovely pet dog has been run over by a car. Instead of crying with sadness all of a sudden he is angry about how this person should have done that and this other person did not corrctly keep the gate locked an so forth. Instead of being sad he has changed it into anger, which is his racket.
The other thing about feelings is they are a great way to manipulate people. They really do work. This is another definition of a racket. A racket is a feeling that is used to manipulate others. Boys and men learn over time that if they get angry then often women will back down and give them what they want. The anger manipulates the woman into giving the man what he wants. So she actually encourages him to be angry by backing down.
On the other hand young girls and women learn that if you turn on the waterworks and cry then often men will take a very sympathetic role and give them what they want. The woman can manipulate the man by turning on the waterworks and the man encourages her to do so by agreeing to be manipulated.
So what happens?
Men are more prone to racket feelings of anger and women are more prone to racket feelings of sadness and crying.
Graffiti
21:23 Permalink | Comments (18) | Email this
Comments
Graffiti,
Ok I understand mostly.
So on the rare times when I do get real angry my racket is then tears. Yet one of the things that I loathe most is my own tears so it isn't a very good racket is it? Cos I get peed with myself for crying. And save for funerals and car crashes (and the odd angry outburst) I don't cry. In fact with my old counsellor he used to ask me why I didn't cry when we talked about some stuff. He bought out the laugh in me mind you. So when sadness was appropriate I would laugh!
So what am I asking...
I guess if you have one genuine feeling, say A, and you cover it up with a racket say B. Then in another situation where feeling B may be appropriate, you have a further racket feeling of say C.
So rackets on rackets or alternatively a desire to not feel whatever is hurting you at that moment and anything else will do?
Or do we only have one racket?
Posted by: kahless | Tuesday, 01 April 2008
Hi Tony,
I was so pleased with myself recently when I got angry, didn't cry but just stated what I was angry about to the other person!! It was a real breakthrough for me because I haven't been able to be angry without crying. Actually a couple of times recently I have done that. I wasn't allowed to show any other feeling than being happy I don't think when I was a kid.
It used to really embarras and annoy me when I cried and I was really angry but I can see more clearly what you mean by racket feelings. They can be unlearned though, as I've found out recently.
KazzaB
Posted by: KazzaB | Tuesday, 01 April 2008
There can be a whole series of layering of feelings Kahless and as one works through one they get to the next and finally you arrive at the core feeling.
Of course the layering is very individual and by no means do all females have sadness over anger but it is a common theme in this country
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Tuesday, 01 April 2008
Good stuff KazzaB,
and your unlearning sounds like a good achievement
Well done to you!!
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Tuesday, 01 April 2008
Grafitti, I know that you did extensive and very good work on Racket Feelings; sometimes Anger Management could be called "Racket Anger Management". Thats why anger therapy in my view, usually deals with sadness and scare instead of the initially contracted work around anger. Or at least until some initial permissions for angry feelings and validation of other feelings are taken in. I understand from your writings that Racket Feelings are still feelings even though they may also be disguising other feelings?
Some times, anger is just anger.
kenoath
Posted by: kenoath | Tuesday, 01 April 2008
Hi Kenoath,
Yes I did do some work on children's anger workshops and I know also that your DAM courses for kids are very popular and highly regarded.
It does seem strange at times when people come to do anger management and as you say they end up doing a lot of work on their other feelings.
Graffiti
Posted by: Graffiti | Tuesday, 01 April 2008
Hi Tony,
I get it now, layering of feelings. Us human beings are complex aren't we.
Cheers.
Kahless.
And cool KazzaB....
Posted by: kahless | Tuesday, 01 April 2008
Yes kahless
those diagrams are meant to indicate that one feeling is layered on top of the other.
In Gestalt therapy they talk about peeling the onion. The human personality is viewed as like layers of an onion and when you peel one layer off you come to the next layer of the personality. And of course with each layer there is a new feeling.
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Tuesday, 01 April 2008
Tony and all my Graffiti blogfriends,
I have just finished a two day course on presentation skills. My before and after presentations were videoed and I have the dvd. At the weekend I will try and work out getting them up onto the internet and post the url. (I quickly tried tonight without success.)
I want to show it to my blogfriends here so I will come back here and state the url as I will post it deep in my blog so casual passers by dont see it.
kahless.
ps you will see it and know why I need to get my hair cut!
Posted by: kahless | Thursday, 03 April 2008
Hey Kahless, did they say anything about encourating the Child in the presentation skills?? Will be great to see it.
Posted by: Madeleine | Thursday, 03 April 2008
Hi Madeleine,
No they didnt. Though I have the post that Tony wrote on teaching the child printed out and pinned to my desk!
It was more about structure, body language, hand gestures, eye contact, tonal variation, movement and confidence building.
Watch this space for the url. Just need to figure out how to upload it. Maybe I will have to edit to make it smaller to upload. And maybe airbrush my appearance lol!
The camera definately adds pounds!
And we did a lot of feedback. It amazes me often how people see themselves different to how others see them. For example people think I am dead confident at work, but really I am cacking it in presentations!
Posted by: kahless | Thursday, 03 April 2008
That's great Kahless. Cacking it is fine as long as no one knows !!
Get some rest. You'll figure it out when you're not so tired.
Posted by: Madeleine | Thursday, 03 April 2008
Oh my goodness Kahless! Good for you! Happy computering then.
Tony,
This post reveals so much! Thanks for that.
I think growing up, i was taught not to show emotions. When i feel too emotional i watch sad movies or ones that make me angry. The scary ones don't do much for me, but i like them too. We pretty much lived outside, or at school when we were kids. I guess we were always in the way. I remember dealing with my emotions very energetically but when you have little ones, it's not easy to do that. Though that's when i started sports - hockey, swimming, soft ball, horse riding and push bike riding were just stuff i did already. But i learned golf, squash, basket ball and tennis after i had the boys.
When we weren't at school, we weren't in the house that's for sure. Weren't alowed. Wouldn't want to be anyway.
I remember being angry and being in trouble for it. Actually it was the same when sad or frightened - anything really. I don't know what happens now. I think i hide. It seems to work. I haven't killed anyone yet. What ever.
This post helps me to see my hubby though. It makes sense and i understand him a lot more.
A grateful - roses
Posted by: roses | Thursday, 03 April 2008
Blogfriends,
I will only keep this post up for a few days and have buried it deep, so you will have to follow the link. Here is me.
http://myplaceofsafety.blogspot.com/2008/08/bit-of-me.html
K.
Posted by: kahless | Monday, 07 April 2008
*drum drum drum drum* (of fingers)
*tap tap tap tap tap tap* (of toes)
*shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle* (of bum)
*hum hum hum hum hum* (to myself)
Missing you Graf, hope you are back soon.
Posted by: kahless | Wednesday, 09 April 2008
Umm, yeah... what she said.
roses
Posted by: roses | Wednesday, 09 April 2008
Hello Kahless,
I am back from my week long workshop which was most interesting indeed and I learnt lots an lots of stuff.
I watched your video and thought that it was most impressive Kahless. It seemed clear and you came across well not showing any signs of undue anxiety. And like Roses I liked your accent. Reminds of Terry who was Arthur Daley's off sider in that pommy show that I can't remember the name of at the moment.
Cheers
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Wednesday, 09 April 2008
Cheers Tony!
It is funny really but one of the things that really strook home was regarding perceptions. We did group feedback and where I was feeling nervous and lost my chain thought, others didnt notice.
I find it very strange that others perceptions of me are different to my own perceptions of me. It is not that I am not self-aware, cos I know my self-awareness is above average, its just that, well, I'll have a think on that one.
Maybe I'll do a risque post tonight and write what my perceptions of other bloggers are like lol!
btw, I posted the better vids not the poor ones with all the umming!
Posted by: Kahless | Thursday, 10 April 2008