Tony White : Juxtaposition of psychotherapy

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Friday, 09 May 2008

Juxtaposition of psychotherapy

This post is a work in progress and will evolve over a period of time.

In the workshop last Tuesday where we discussed aspects of the week long workshop of a few weeks ago (if that makes any sense) we covered the juxtaposition of psychotherapy which is:

When you give the client what they want, then they hurt.

The quote below is from:

“The paradoxical theory of change”, A.R. Beisser. In Gestalt Therapy Now. 1970. (eds.) Fagan, J. & Shepherd, I. L. Penguin Books: Victoria.

“...change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is - to be fully invested in his current positions. By rejecting the role of change agent, we make meaningful and orderly change possible.
The Gestalt therapist rejects the role of ‘changer’, for his strategy is to encourage, even insist, that the patient be where he is and what he is. He believes change does not take place by ‘trying’, coercion, or persuasion, or by insight, interpretation. or any other such means. Rather, change can occur when the patient abandons, at least for the moment, what he would like to become and attempts to be who he is.” (P88)

This is what I like about the pro-ana movement as they are doing precisely this. These girls and young women have for decades been bombarded with huge volumes of medical and psychological information which relentlessly tells them how sick, maladjusted, deviant and attention seeking they are. The media also regularly tells the world that these people are sickos. Finally some stand up and say, I do starve myself and that is my choice and I am OK. I accept that part of me.

My Lebanese friend and fellow blogger Nikita once wrote on her blog:

“Most women set out to try to change a man,
and when they have changed him they do not like him”.
Marlene Dietrich

Then I wrote:
Not only do I like Marlene Dietrich, I like the meaning of the comment. I would even take out the gender distinction and then it becomes my quote!

Most people set out to try and change others,
and when they have changed them they do not like them.

From what I have seen of life it is so true. The best thing that a psychotherapist can ever hear from a client is the statement:

“I am comfortable being who I am”.

This is not a person who has it altogether and has discarded all neuroses. This is the person who has accepted who they are. The good bits and the other bits that others don’t like. (Such as one’s neuroses.)

This is where the second part of the quote comes in. From what I have seen if you can resist the pressure to be something other than what you are, then you become more ‘complete’ or just comfortable with self. Then you usually become more appealing to others. That is - the more people will like you if you stop changing to the wants of other people.

If that makes sense.

But
Not an easy thing to do. To accept the parts of yourself which you find repulsive or 'bad' can be a very difficult thing to do. To accept those parts that you have spent 20 years hiding from is by no means an easy task.

Graffiti

09:40 Permalink | Comments (27) | Email this

Comments

I think there is a circle that a client comes around on Grafitti. Perhaps in the interim a client becomes something else and attempts to change. In the process they learn so much about themselves and their neuroses. In the end, the circle arrives back at the start where they realise that they are themself and that feels great. "comfortable" and free of the neuroses or perhaps accepting and ok about their neurosis. There may not be a short cut in the process.

I love my crazy shit (neurosis) sort of thing. I guess thats what the lilith part in a person really wants. To be loved and accepted within a working realtionship in the psyche.

k

Posted by: kenoath | Friday, 09 May 2008

I like that; become accepting of the crap parts of me.... I guess we think those parts of us are unacceptable to others that is why we hid them. So is a step on, not worrying what others think of us and just being ourselves.

Posted by: Kahless | Friday, 09 May 2008

I have a client right now who has bulimia and she thinks that defines who she is, and makes her a bad person. She refuses to see what everyone else sees, a beautiful woman, talented, intelligent, etc etc.

That's what human beings seem to do, is to define themselves by their "worst" characteristic and ignore all their positive qualities.

I think we are taught this from a very young age.

Posted by: Madeleine | Friday, 09 May 2008

I agree with you Madeleine, and for some reason the thought of the truth - of what we see and know them to be - seems to hit an impenetrable armor of some kind. It's a little frustrating but i guess we all do it to some extent.

How do you deal with that Madeleine?

Tony?
It occured to me some time ago but i didn't ever ask you because i thought you were playing yet another game, but, do you call me roses because its is so closely alligned with the word neu-roses? I only ask you this cause you're just so darned cheeky!

And he looks like a nice fellow - your friend with you in the photo. I'm assuming it was his birthday that you were counting down too. You look like good mates and that you may have had a few drinks before the picture. I'm glad you've kept in touch with eachother for so long.

What if being 'myself' is a different thing everyday? What's wrong with that? I really like variety when i'm not liking sameness. Sometimes its important to be 'same' and then other times it doesn't matter so much. It strikes me a little bit silly to say 'be ones self', what on earth (or anywhere else for that matter) is one to be other than one's self?

Though i do understand a little of what you mean i think. Do you mean people who behave in one way with one person and then another way when with someone else? I watched a lady once addressing one person, then cross over to another part of a room and totally change into someone else right in front of me as though i wouldn't notice.

Ohh, perhaps she didn't notice her change...

Perhaps she knew i loved her anyway. We were great friends but something happened and now i don't see her anymore. But that's life isn't it?

Happy week end to you... roses

Posted by: roses | Friday, 09 May 2008

Deal with it with patience Roses.

And I call you roses cause that's what you sign yourself as.

Posted by: Madeleine | Friday, 09 May 2008

Ha, Ha, Roses,

You made me laugh with your neu-roses comment, and no that is not why I call you that.

I have a very good friend of many years here and she is a Rosie, and I call her Roses. So one time when we were commenting on a blog some where, I called you Roses and it just seems to have stuck.

That is a picture of me with my friend Gaz at a dinner party at his house. It would be about 6 or 7 years ago.
Tony

Posted by: Tony | Friday, 09 May 2008

Roses,
Like Madeleine I call you that because that is how you sign yourself. I will happily call you something else if you want.

I think Rosie and Roses are wonderful names
:-)

Posted by: kahless | Friday, 09 May 2008

Oh, please tell you me you've seen Uncle Dirty. The original photo essay has been taken down, but you may be able to find its vestiges somewhere on the internet?? One of the most interesting things I've ever seen!! I told my shrink about him, Uncle Dirty, and we talked about how it might be to be so comfortable with yourself. But is there a point when it goes too far? What if being comfortable with yourself starts to negatively affect others around you?

Posted by: April | Friday, 09 May 2008

April, is this being comfortable with yourself or pure and simple narcissism??

Or being so uncomfortable with yourself that you have to keep proving how great you are??

And you are right, there are vestiges of it on the net.