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Thursday, 03 July 2008
3 solutions to feelings
There are three solutions that one can have to a feeling. That is, an event happens which you have some feeling reaction to. You then have a problem because you have this thing called a feeling and you have to do something with it. The three things you can do with it are:
1. Have a thinking or cognitive solution to it. You think about the feeling and this is primarily the CBT approach
2. The inhibition solution. You suppress or repress the feeling to make it go away. If the feeling isn’t too big or is a one off then you can get away with this solution and suffer no long lasting problems. But if the feeling is significant and in particular repetitive then this solution just creates more problems for the person in the future. The feelings come back to haunt the repressor in some way.
3. Express the feeling. This is the catharsis approach and the opposite to the inhibition approach. It rests on the assumption that if you have a feeling and express it then it is out and gone. The problem is solved and you wont have later difficulties due to this feeling. I will talk more about this now.
So how do you express a feeling? There has to be a some point some form of physical expression. For instance the healthy expression of anger includes active bodily movement or motion. Pillow fights are excellent for children, as are punching bags or some other hitting of a soft inanimate object. Verbal expressions are also useful, however they tend to be more appropriate for adults. With a raised voice, statements such as "I'm angry at you", "You piss me off!" are all good. These all supply good brief outlets for mild levels of anger. For more intense anger, verbal expressions must be accompanied by the bodily expressions that were mentioned above.
The happy, joyous, delighted kind of feelings are the same, there needs to be some kind of physical movement whether that be running and jumping to smiling and laughing. All these are the physical release of this emotion. So with feelings like anger and happiness we have this means of their expression. These are the simple solutions because with other feelings it is more complicated.
Consider these equations
Anger = Movement (expression)
Happy = Movement (expression)
Sad = Movement (expression) + Satiation (V+T=R)
Scare = Movement (expression) + Satiation (V+T=R)
We see that for feelings like sadness and scare there is a bit added on and it is called satiation. They are require movement (expression) but with sadness and scare there is a second part to the solution to the feeling.
I mentioned in the previous post some women have learnt that if they turn on the waterworks then they can get some men to behave in a certain way. Why does this happen?
If someone close to you dies then you are sad and one physically expresses that by crying or wailing and so forth. This is the movement (expression) part being completed. But there is another bit. When someone cries often people will respond to them in a nurturing, comforting way and hence we get the woman using the waterworks. She knows that if she cries then people tend to become caring, giving and comforting of her.
For the sad feeling to be dealt with one does the physical expression AND gets the comforting. At this point I usually get asked can one do the comforting them self with their own Nurturing Parent. The answer to that is yes as long as it is only a small sadness. If it is a big one then it has to come from the outside using someone else's Nurturing Parent.
The diagram shows how one can nurture self from their own NP to deal with their sadness. This is a good thing to do and it is a great asset to have in one’s personality. If the sadness is a big one then that is not enough and you have to get some from another person on the outside. And this is the hard part where many people stumble in the process due to the equation.
There are actually two equations
V (Vulnerability) + T (Trust) = R (Relief)
V (Vulnerability) - T (Trust) = A (Anxiety)
If one expresses their sadness with another person then they are placing self in a vulnerable position and they have to trust the other person, (and as we know some find that most difficult to do). If they risk trusting the other and the other is caring towards them then they have the sad feeling satiated and they sense relief. If they don’t trust the other then they never get the satiation and that most commonly results in the feeling of anxiety. “I can’t trust anyone to care for me in my hour of need so I am alone”. Someone who thinks like this usually ends up with anxiety.
Can we trust those nurses?
The same applies for scare as well. It is great to nurture self but it is not enough if it is a big scare. You need to seek the nurturing from someone else and then one gets satiated, the feeling is dealt with and will not cause more problems later on. If it is not satiated the person will be left with a sense of anxiety and the undealt with feeling will manifest in some other problem later on.
Graffiti
18:38 Permalink | Comments (9) | Email this
Comments
When I was around 13 I had my first panic attack and never told anyone what was going on. I didn't trust that I would get what I needed and wouldn't just be told not to be silly. And later on in life when I also suffered panic attacks, it was the same scenario. I never told anyone what was happening. The don't trust thing again. I can see because I didn't seek any nurturing, not even from myself, that the anxiety has continued throughout my whole life.
So I was vulnerable, didn't trust, which has equaled anxiety that has never really resolved. I am a bit more gentle with myself when I have an anxiety attack now but in the future I will try and reach out to someone else when it happens for the nurturing, if I can, and see if it is different. Thanks for an interesting post Tony.
Posted by: KazzaB | Thursday, 03 July 2008
That sounds like a great goal KazzaB,
To reach out when in need in the way you cite. I think we as a society in general tend to put much more emphasis on self nurturing. We don't seem to like to accept that we are partially dependent on others for our emotional well being and that that is OK. Some would even go so far as to define that as pathology. To me that is denying that humans really do need each other even if it does complicate matters which indeed it does
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Thursday, 03 July 2008
I was led to believe that it was all about self-nuture. Nice to know it isn't all about that; or is it?
Some feelings feel like they will never be satiated.
Good post; thank-you.
Posted by: kahless | Thursday, 03 July 2008
Well, it depends a lot on the source of the feelings for me---
For instance, if I am annoyed/hurt at my husband's actions but those actions haven't been directed at me...well then I have to try to figure out why I have those feelings. He says, "What's wrong?"and I say, "Nothing," because I don't feel like getting into an argument over something petty. I process the feelings and if it's still something that bothers me I will tell him. But most of the time I get over it and there's an argument averted.
On the other hand, I am learning to be more vocal about how I feel if it does directly affect me. I guess the older I get the more I realize that a) most people act out of self-interest and b) most people don't hurt other people on purpose (in my life anyway).
Posted by: April | Thursday, 03 July 2008
Hi Kahless,
That has been my observations of the world. Humans do need each other both practically and emotionally. When we are in distress others can help considerably in a way that we cannot do on our own. Some would disagree with me on this and assert strongly that the healthy person is the one who can deal with and manage their own feelings. To not do so is pathology they would say.
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Friday, 04 July 2008
Hi April,
Sounds good that you don't get into petty arguments. Sometimes I work with couples and they are arguing of such trivial stuff it boggles the mind.
More vocal about how you feel?
In my view the way to go
Cheers
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Friday, 04 July 2008
3 times today i thought of you Tony. Like little dreams but i was awake. You were dying and i didn't want you too because i'd only just met you. I teared each time. I have no idea what it could mean - but it's yucky to watch.
I hope you're having a lovely Friday and you're being good to you.
roses
Posted by: roses | Friday, 04 July 2008
Hello Roses,
Thank you for your kind thoughts.
I had a full physical not long ago and apparently I am all well and good
Which is good to know
Cheers
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Friday, 04 July 2008
That is good to know Tony. Have a nice weekend.
Posted by: roses | Friday, 04 July 2008