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Monday, 07 July 2008
Beliefs about feelings
One. Some people believe that feelings have to be logical. Often they are not. To feel angry on a Monday morning, to feel grief when you sell your car, to feel scared in crowds, to feel despairing when you have a good job, family and life all may seem somewhat illogical.
More often than not feelings are illogical. We would all like them to be appropriate and reasonable in reaction to our environment. Unfortunately there is a powerful illogical part of ourselves. Freud called it the id and in Transactional Analysis it is called the Child ego state.
There are even some therapeutic approaches that rest on this false belief. They try and take control of these ‘irrational’ parts of the personality and make it rational or at least dominate it with rationality. Rational Emotive Therapy(RET) and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy(CBT) are two prime examples. I suggest that such a task of dominating the Child with rationality is doomed to failure if not in the short term then in the long term.
The approach I would suggest is that you accept that we are irrational beings to some extent at least. Do not try and fight it but work to live with it.
Two. Some people believe that feelings must have a goal or be a means to an end. We hear statements such as:
“What is the use of being angry, it doesn’t change anything”
“If someone dies why cry about it, it wont bring them back”
80% of the time feelings do not change reality. So in this way feelings are not a successful means to an end, yet I would suggest that they are an end in them self. They do not have to lead to something, indeed they are that something.
Consider this metaphor. When one drinks water the bladder expands and then there is a tension. The tension is expressed by releasing the bladder and taking a leak. Feelings are the same. Something happens and the body goes into a state of tension (feeling is felt). One can then act and expresses the feeling and the tension reduces. This is a biological fact I am afraid so you might as well get used to it.
Three. Feelings and issues often get mixed up and then the feeling becomes the issue. Hubby wants to go out at night and the missus wants to spend the night at home. They begin to negotiate the issue of going out or staying in. During the negotiating they start to feel angry at each other. Now there are two problems:
1. Going out vs staying in - the issue
2. The anger - the feeling
Some do not make this distinction between the issue and the feeling and they will then start to use the issue as a means to express the feeling. At this point the issue becomes irrelevant but often people believe they are addressing the issue and cannot understand why the other person is not understanding them. Both stop listening to each other because it is no longer about the issue and it is about expressing the feeling instead. This can make the issue drag on for long periods of time. If they do make the distinction then first set about expressing the feeling and forget about the issue. Once that is done then get back to the issue and usually it is resolved in record time.
Graffiti
20:25 Permalink | Comments (61) | Email this
Comments
I'm sorry, Graffiti, I still reckon feelings suck !! I'd rather have a pee !!
Posted by: gezunda | Monday, 07 July 2008
Well that is a problem Gez,
Feelings are as human as meat pies and kangaroos
Graffiti
Posted by: Tony | Monday, 07 July 2008
Kangaroos and meat pies aren't human, Graffiti.
Posted by: gezunda | Monday, 07 July 2008
Well Gez,
I will concede to that point.
But there is a tribe in the Amazon who are cannibals and they do enjoy tucking into a good pie or two of the days catch.
Graffiti
Posted by: Tony | Monday, 07 July 2008
So feelings are as normal as eatling meat pies made of your neighbour. Graffiti, I'm glad I'm an alien.
Posted by: gezunda | Monday, 07 July 2008
OK Gez,
Alien it is
Did you ever see Mork and Mindy?
One of my favs
Graffiti
Posted by: Tony | Monday, 07 July 2008
Yup. Loved it. I love being an alien. Even a cold one who is heading for bed where it's nice and toasty warum. I do like Robin Williams.
Posted by: gezunda | Monday, 07 July 2008
I am with you Gez - feelings suck.
(Didnt expect you to say that though; dont know why)
I will go one better though - I would rather have an enema than feelings!
:-)
Posted by: kahless | Tuesday, 08 July 2008
I don't think I'd go that far Kahless!!
Posted by: gezunda | Tuesday, 08 July 2008
Hey Gez,
I have had one before a bowel op and it wern't so bad.
Believe me, worth the trade.
In fact, maybe if feelings are the urine in your bladder, and counsellor's help people express their feelings, where does that leave counsellors in the analogy???
hehehehehehe!
Posted by: kahless | Tuesday, 08 July 2008
I would rather have feelings Kahless. I remember one of those when I had a broken pelvis in hospital. No thanks.
I like to laugh and be happy, thats a feeling not worth the "trade". In fact I wish I could experience feelings moreso. I understand for some of us, who have many feelings going on and most of the time, that less feelings might be better for them.
kenoath
Posted by: kenoath | Tuesday, 08 July 2008
Hi Ken,
My favourite feeling is when I feel passionate about something and it fills my whole being with life. Like being at the top of the world.
Its just the negative ones I don't like which I can't seem to make constructive.
Posted by: kahless | Tuesday, 08 July 2008
I thought that emotions were different to feelings. Don't know why - but they seem different. Don't emotions make us feel the feelings?
Posted by: roses | Tuesday, 08 July 2008
Yeah Kahless, sometimes the not so nice feelings are not so nice. But i totally agree with Ken in that the nice ones are just so nice. Bumma aye!
Posted by: roses | Tuesday, 08 July 2008
Never thought of it like that Roses - I thought that if you were full of emotion then that means that you are full of feelings?
How would you define the difference?
If a situation is emotive, does that mean it is not full of feelings.
Posted by: kahless | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
Graffiti,
I have pondered this for a few days (on and off) and given it is late at night I have decided to say it. I will take the long winded approach though.
Ok, crying is an act of selfishness. circa 99.936% of the time when someone cries, they are crying for themselves ultimately. Whether it is grief (and looking at their own mortality) or as a racket feeling or whatever.
(and now I will cut to the chase)
i find the term 'waterworks' derogatory. I work in financial services - a macho industry - and I have heard some of the guys (and the occaisional woman to be fair) say that so and so 'has turned on the waterworks.'
To me that immediately discounts the tears. Yes crying can be selfish, yet the term is never used to describe a man crying.
And 'waterworks' seems to lack compassion for me.
Anyway, just wanted to say it.
Kahless.
Posted by: kahless | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
Ken,
You were in my dream earlier; I think because you were on my blogging mind just before I slept earlier today, with your last comment.
You were in my garden enjoying it, but you didnt say anything!
Anyway, late night chitter chatter!
Posted by: kahless | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
I am sure you have a lovely garden Kahless, Ido get around it seems.
kenoath
Posted by: kenoath | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
Yes kenoath,
I am sure Kahless does have a good garden
Graffiti
Posted by: Tony | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
Its a jungle K. Too much humid rain and not enough time to get out and there and weed. Dont worry, I will put Madeleine to work out on the nettles when she comes over to the uk.
Actually I am going to snitch on her. I have been having this same conversation on her blog; you may want to check it out - what she said about your gardening lol!
Posted by: kahless | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
Oooh.
I do Tony.
I will do some photo's one of these days.
Posted by: kahless | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
I have a gardenning philosophy Kahless. "Live and let die". Well perhaps its not quite that severe, however I do love to keep things alive and let plants grow where they do. There is a creeper gone wild out the back, I love the way it has clung to the fence and produced bright orange flowers.
Nettles for Madeleine? , hmm let me tell you something about Madeleine.......
kenoath
Posted by: kenoath | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
That's right guys, talk about me when I'm not here. But guess what - I'mmmmmmmmmmmmm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccckkkkk !! hehehehehe!!
Posted by: gezunda | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
I reckon Madeleine would be good swinging that axe out in the garden?
Hmmmm.....
What should I know?
Lol
Posted by: kahless | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
Actually I'm quite dangerous with an axe. the last time I did use one I ended up with stitches in my own hand !!! Now there's a memory.
Posted by: gezunda | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
Hi Kahless,
Thanks for your comments about the 'waterworks'.
From one point of view you could see crying or the expression of sadness as a selfish act as it is a way to release personal tension.
It is also a normal human reaction to certain events.
I think we would all agree that people (including ourselves) do from time to time use various feelings in order to manipulate others to act certain ways. I used the term waterworks as you say and I note your dislike of the term.
Cheers
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
And some people may feel manipulated by another's feelings even when that is not the intention.
Posted by: gezunda | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
I can express feelings to manipulate
or not
Someone can interpret my feelings as manipulation
Or not.
This expression of feelings can be complicated.
More than a pee it seems!
Posted by: kahless | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
Gez and Kahless,
I think you make a good point about how at times others have different interpretations of feelings. I would agree with that.
Are you both asserting that you have never used your feelings to manipulate someone else?
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
Nope.
I reckon I have.
Posted by: kahless | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
Not consciously as an adult. I can remember doing it as a teenager though :-). Tears greatly manipulate teenage boys.
Have you, Tony, every used feelings to manipulate a situation??
Posted by: gezunda | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
I can say I certainly think I have Gez,
Indeed sending out an invitation to a game could be such a thing. And I think we have all been game players from time to time.
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
And like Gezunda never at a conscious level.
Though the shakes has saved me from a speeding ticket once. I couldn't make myself shake, I was just scared though and it happened.
Posted by: kahless | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
I have consciously batted my eyelashes at someone to get what I want. And even at almost 60 it still worked hehehehe.. But both parties knew what was going on and he enjoyed it as much as I did !! And I actually believe that much human behaviour is "manipulative" in that the purpose is to get what we want. Not necessarily in a bad way.
Posted by: gezunda | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
Gez,
It is OK to admit that you have manipulated others.
Everyone reading this has.
Graffiti
Posted by: Tony | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
And if they say they haven't, they are lying !!
Posted by: gezunda | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
That's right Gez!!!
Graffiti
Posted by: Tony | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
`
Posted by: kenoath | Wednesday, 09 July 2008
Well said Kenoath. I couldn't have said it better myself :-)
Posted by: gezunda | Thursday, 10 July 2008
kenoath is very succinct these days isn't he Gez.
Graffiti
Posted by: Tony | Thursday, 10 July 2008
He is Graffiti :-). Trouble is, I'm not sure I understand his point. Do you??
Posted by: gezunda | Thursday, 10 July 2008
I'm working on it Gez!
Graffiti
Posted by: Tony | Thursday, 10 July 2008
I didn't make a point however it was an "acute". Perhaps I am manipulating you guys. :)
Posted by: kenoath | Thursday, 10 July 2008
OK Kenoath,
You have got me in.
What's an "acute" and what does it mean?
Graffiti
Posted by: Graffiti | Thursday, 10 July 2008
Hate to argue with you Kenoath, it's actually a grave accent, an acute accent goes the other direction.
Posted by: gezunda | Thursday, 10 July 2008
I don't like to think of tears as a selfish act. Why would it be called that? It's only in recent years I've really learnt to let go and have a good cry and it still surprises me when tears actually roll down my face. LOL
Tears to me are a purely personal thing where I'm expressing feelings about something that has upset me. I also can't remember manipulating someone with tears - intentionally, that is. I might have burst into tears because I was angry but then I usually ended up angry at myself because it wasn't what I intended to do at all. I hated crying when I knew what I felt was anger. Because it meant I couldn't say what I wanted to say, as usual and that was so frustrating.
Posted by: KazzaB | Thursday, 10 July 2008
Well I am glad you agree that its not a point Madeleine. A grave accent sounds sounds like a scottish man on speed?
kenoath
Posted by: kenoath | Thursday, 10 July 2008
Felt like giving you a hug
(((((KazzaB))))))
(Hope that's ok)
Posted by: kahless | Thursday, 10 July 2008
Thankyou Kahless, I like hugs anytime!! Hugging back.
(((((((((Kahless)))))))))
Posted by: KazzaB | Thursday, 10 July 2008
Sorry Kahless,
I just arrived home yesterday arvo. Haven't had access to a computer except one night at my sisters while she was in the bath.
I don't know why emotions and feelings are different to me. I mean... you can't hurt someone's emotion but you can hurt their feelings. Just seems odd that people would see it like that. While performing a song - it is up to the performer to evoke moments where the needed feeling happened/s and free fall off that feeling to illicit an emotional response from their audience. It's the same with actors, artists, dancers etc. (yeah - manipulate others emotional responses) We all do it all the time - probably just don't realise, that's all.
But when i'm asking the audience for an emotional response, it's the feelings that create the emotional display. I know how to look if i want to be sad. I know how to move. I don't know how, but i do know it. If i didn't, i wouldn't hide it from people when i want a different emotional response from them.
If i'm about to do an angry song and i feel happy and care free at the time, i have to hide the happy and cover it with angry. I can hide my feeling and hide them well. As do you by the sounds of it Kahless.
I don't know. Emotions just seem different to feelings. I don't understand why.
Tony,
I'm starting Psych102 now! And i think our first thing is about 'Emotions'. I'm so excited. I hope i learn to understand them better after this. But i fear that it may be a thing that we never truly understand.
Posted by: roses | Friday, 11 July 2008
How does one rationalise the feeling of love many people have about their new mobile Iphones?
The free child is so invested in something that talks, plays, satnavs, internet surfs, communicates and takes picture that they que up all night to get the first release.
Perhaps a rational deliberation is not needed with such good-cheer feelings for such an phone-object? Christmas all over again is good isn't it? It is the less easy feelings that we need to make sense of. Its ok to be sad isn't it?
kenoath
Posted by: kenoath | Friday, 11 July 2008
Kenoath,
I have in recent times been studying up on the "Objectophile".
That person who has an attachment and emotional attraction to some object. In some cases people have been known to actually wed their 'object'.
Perhaps they are all objectophiles
Graffiti
Posted by: Graffiti | Friday, 11 July 2008
Oh crickey bejesus. "Will you Jack Head, love and cherrish this apple iphone for the rest of your life"? Deserves a blog Tony.
ken
Posted by: kenoath | Friday, 11 July 2008
I does indeed Kenoath, it does indeed!
graffiti
Posted by: Graffiti | Friday, 11 July 2008
I once had a lucky battery. I didn't love it but it came everywhere with me for a while.
I know odd. But I think it was because people thought it was odd that I kind of kept doing it. It brought me (internal)amusement.
And then one day I just tossed it away.
Hehehee.
Posted by: kahless | Friday, 11 July 2008
Oh and it is a good avoidance tool. To Focus on something else
Posted by: kahless | Friday, 11 July 2008
A pet battery, Kahless LOL. I like that. Not a big car battery I presume?? Shall I bring you an Australian battery when I come over?? Write a blog about your pet battery, pretty pullleeaase
Posted by: gezunda | Friday, 11 July 2008
Ok ok I will write a blog tonight. It was a AA battery btw. The only problem with a blog on that is people will think I have lost the plot!
Lol! It was 17 years ago too.
Just bring me from Oz the hug Kazza promised!
Posted by: kahless | Friday, 11 July 2008
I will Kahless. I might even just bring one from myself.
Posted by: gezunda | Saturday, 12 July 2008
Thanks for such intereasting images I used the car and apple one with proper credit given: The new iCar.
Posted by: Gene | Friday, 18 July 2008
Hi Gene,
Thank you for the credit for the photograph, but I must admit it was not taken by me.
Ha ha, Apple iCar!
Tony
Posted by: Tony | Friday, 18 July 2008