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Thursday, 21 August 2008
Parenting problems
This is from a workshop I did in 2005. I usually dislike reading stuff that I wrote a few years back as it always seems so awkward and corney but this one was not too bad
Assessing Children’s Problems
with the “goodness of fit”
A child is brought to a counsellor because it has the problem of bedwetting. One thing that the counsellor must do is then make an assessment of how much is this a problem of the child and how much it is a problem of the parent or at least a problem with the relationship between the parent and child.
For instance, if the child wets the bed and the parent does all the right things in dealing with it sensitively then that means it is less of a parent problem and more down the end of the child’s problem. If, on discovering a wet bed the parent launches into a rage, hits the child and publicly embarrasses him then that is clear partly a parents problem.
One way to make such an assessment is to do a goodness of fit assessment.
All parents have a personality and all children have a personality. All parents have a Child ego state and thus that Child ego state will react to the personality of the offspring. Just because a child was born to a parent does not stop the parent’s Child ego state reacting to its offspring. In most cases the parent will be more forgiving and compensatory of the parts of the offspring that their own Child ego state has difficulty with, (than say if two people were just friends.)
With friends we see in the diagram that the two have no obligation or responsibility to the other party so the relationship at least initially is based largely on the Child ego state of both parties. If both sides have a liking for the other person then the relationship is likely to continue and grow. If both or one of the parties does not like the other then the relationship is likely to falter at that point and not continue.
With a parent and offspring it is meant to be different as was mentioned above. Dislikes by the parent to the child tend to be minimised and likes tend to be maximised. Thus we have the saying, “Her child had a face that only a mother could love”. The more the parent’s own Parent and Adult ego states are weaker the less influence they will have have and thus the more Child ego state response you will get from the parent. Hence you can get situations where the father may start competing with the son in say career because the father has not got enough Parent and Adult to rise above that and delight in the son’s success in his career, rather than taking it personally.
Parent and biological child
However despite this the parent still does have Child ego state reactions and they still have an impact. As we know in any relationships there can be personality clashes and in other relationships the personalities have a natural click and cohesion. The parent child relationship is no different. This can be a problem in itself because some parents think that they like love and feel the same to all their children. This is not so. The parent will react differently to every person they meet including their children. So with some there is a contamination.
The different reactions to each child by the parent depends in part on the goodness of fit between the parent and child’s personalities.
Graffiti
17:10 Permalink | Comments (4) | Email this
Comments
I wasnt going to comment on this post but its been with no comments for a wee it so thought I'd leave a "hello"
Posted by: kahless | Sunday, 24 August 2008
Looks as though my last comment is in 'slow-post' too.
Posted by: roses | Monday, 25 August 2008
One young person I know has described the goodness of fit with his parents quite well. He says that his mother is too old and that he would prefer a mother of around 30 years of age. That her butt is too big. He likes his Dads beard but wishes that his Dad took his medication. The boy takes charge mostly and when the parents do the "parental flip" from their child to reinstate their parent position there is trouble.
A young person has mentioned how her friend gets preferential beatings by her father when the friends other four siblings do not. It seems that the friend is the evil child and the focus of the parents problems. Not much goodness or fitting it seems.
kenoath
Posted by: kenoath | Monday, 25 August 2008
Our eldest son is tense and worried most of the time. He and his wife are extremely good at expressing their anxiety. I've always blamed myself for that because i was young (18 - not too young but young none the less) and impatient with him. He was such a beautiful baby but i was totally unsure how to be a mum and afraid that i would kill him through ignorance. I'm not very good at much... it's ok - just the way it is. He aims high and for some reason feels that the word 'impossible' doesn't exist but it people believe that it does, so he starts something and then everyone exclaims the 'impossibleness' of it all and his heart freezes over.
But he has a will and it always finds a way. He so honours me by being my son.
Our youngest son is thoughtful and contemplative. He is always wondering why his brother and his wife are so angry. I giggle. He 'smokes' occasionally and was a major binge drinker. Probably still would be but for the lack of finances and a baby on the way. He's much more arty and expresses his internal conflict in lyrics. I feel that he feels we don't love him as much as his brother. I think i understand him better. He also thinks that 'impossible' doesn't exist but he freezes in silence. It's a cruel and terrible thing to see.
He too has a will that is constantly ready and able to find a way. He so honours me by being my son.
The other week they had a car accident and i realised they could oneday be totally gone. After the initial fright, i realised that i'm the luckiest person on this planet because though i don't and never will fully know them, i've been with them most of their lives and even now, they're grown and are able to live life on their own terms as adult humans, i can check in on them every now and again - till they or i'm gone. I have a life to continue to live too - i have so much growing to do.
Ohh by the way... *sigh* I'm home - roses
Posted by: roses | Monday, 25 August 2008
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