Tony White

I was talking with someone the other day about that time old question of can men and women be just friends. I recall it was mentioned on this blog some time ago so I thought I would give me two bobs worth about it.

Question: Can women and men be just friends?

Answer: Of course they can, it happens all the time. For instance in the work place a man and woman may develop quite strong romantic or sexual feelings to each other and not act on them because either one of both of them are married. If the feelings are not acted upon then they can remain just friends.



Perhaps the real question should be can a man and a woman be friends and not have romantic or sexual feelings develop in the first place. My answer to that is, probably not, assuming they are both of the approximate age and so forth.

Can an available man and woman be just friends? Again the answer is yes, as long as the romantic feelings are not acted upon. Of course in such circumstances they are more likely to be but not necessarily so with a common example being that one has just recently ended a relationship. Thus (s)he doesn’t feel ready to enter into another relationship even if there is an attraction there between both parties.

I have been working with this female client for some time and she is in quite a good and steady relationship. They plan to get married one day but they are not in any great hurry at the moment. As the discussion progressed in one session she mentioned a previous boyfriend and it became apparent that she still had quite strong feelings for him even though the relationship had ended 7 years ago.



She purposefully avoided going near to the place of his work - she knew where he worked because her sister told her. In her daily duties she would some times think she would see him in the street and then after a second look realise it was not him. She knew where he lived which actually was quite close to where my office is. So I offered her a drive by contract as I do in situations like this. That is for her to go and drive by his house.

Well she was horrified that I would suggest such a contract. Why? Because she knew the feelings that would come up if she did such a thing. She felt that she would be being disloyal to her current boyfriend by doing such a thing. To which I replied, for heavens sake I am not suggesting you have sex with him but just drive by the front of his house.

She is still in love with the ex-boyfriend ay least to some degree and as this became apparent to her it caused her much consternation. So I then set about to reassure her. She certainly was not alone in her conundrum. Indeed most people who have had a strong love relationship end rarely fully fall out of love with that person. Indeed her current boyfriend is probably in exactly the same boat. But this concept can cause some angst in some people’s psyches.



What is being said here is that a woman (in this instance) can be in love with two men at the same time. Some protest strongly against such a proposition but from what I have seen it is true. Indeed my client sitting right in front of me was a prime example. She was in love with two men.

Some see this as not right and it’s like having an affair and cheating on the current partner. Yes my client was having an emotional affair with her ex-boyfriend and in that sense was cheating on her current partner. In one sense this is worse than if she actually had sex with another man. Sex is just a physical act and in one way that is not as bad as having love and a romantic attachment for another.

Welcome to the human race was my response to her. Should she tell her current partner? Definitely not was my response. He knows it anyway because the same is happening with him.



Anyway she did the drive by and his car was out the front but he was not sighted. It shook her up emotionally a bit but she got over it. Indeed I gave her the same drive by contract for the next two sessions as she can easily drive past his house on the way home to hers. She did them and now she says at the end of each session, “I suppose you want me to do another drive by?” (eyes raised to the roof). I smile and say nothing and had no intention of suggesting such another contract to her. She is now making it for herself and she does a drive by each time she ends with me.

She is coming to accept that she is in love with two men and that’s OK.

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