Tony White

It is the age old question of one of the dilemmas of parenting.

If your child or teenager is doing something dodgy what do you do? This question came up again in a supervision I was recently doing with a supervisee and there was quite a good discussion about it.

This of course is particularly relevant to alcohol and drug use but does indeed relate to any behaviour. However with schoolies week upon us much is being publicly said in various forums about alcohol use. Indeed in the magazine called Outlook (Summer 2008) goes into great detail by asking the question, “The alcohol dilemma, Should you let your teenagers drink”.

The two sides of the argument is as follows.
1. You express to the child that drug or alcohol use is wrong and that they must abstain
2. You don’t chastise the child instead you listen and discuss things. You do not tell them to abstain.



The good part of 1 is that the child gets a clear message that drug use and underage alcohol use is wrong and thus the child can develop that attitude in them self. With approach 2 the parent is condoning the drug use by not expressing the requirement for the child to take no drugs and thus they are not developing the attitude that drug use is wrong.

In the magazine article they present Two case studies. the first is of a father who has a 15 year old son. He is not allowing his son to drink alcohol until he is 18 (the legal age). In relation to this he says, “And that is the rule and, if he breaks it there will be consequences...I think that means being his parent rather than trying to be his friend.”

Unfortunately the father’s statement is not completely correct and should read, “If he breaks it (and gets caught) there will be consequences”. Thus we have the downside of number 1. In addition this highlights a common flaw in many psychological theories. They rest on the assumption that one size fits all.



If your child is quite conforming and is in with a crowd that is not into alcohol then approach 1 may be a good approach to take. If you have a teenager who is strong willed and rebellious then it could be a hazardous path to take.

The problem with number 1 is that it easily breeds deception into the parent child relationship. The child will lie about what he is doing when asked if he is drinking or taking drugs. Psychologically this is not a good thing particularly in the parent adolescent relationship. As it is quite likely that the deceptive attitude will generalise into other areas of the relationship with the parent as well. The youngster will be less than candid about other things they are doing besides drug or alcohol use.

This is not a good thing at all from a psychological point of view for the adolescent stage of development. Sometimes teenagers get caught into things that are illegal or dangerous and feel they cannot get out. Thus the parent wants as open as possible relationship with the adolescent. If the child has been lying to a parent about alcohol use then they are less likely to discuss other matters as openly. For instance a 15 year old girl who is in with a sexually promiscuous crowd and feels she can’t do anything about it.


Some teenagers get into difficult situations and feel like this.




This of course is an advantage of the number 2 approach. The teenager will be more likely to be truthful with the parent about what they are doing, thinking and feeling. The parent child relationship is on a stronger footing and that is most important with a child who is in the adolescent stage.

But as mentioned before approach 2 condones drug use at least in part. Also it raises the point that the father of the 15 year old boy said. The difference between being a teenager’s friend and being their parent which is quite a good point.

It seems safe to say that a parent would not want to become a friend to their teenage son. That this would not a good thing to do psychologically. I have two teenage sons and whilst I am friendly to them I would not say that I am their friend. At least in the sense that I have friends my own age. I certainly do do parental things with them and act as a confidant and so forth. I have always liked this list below and would see myself as by and large doing it.



Finally there is another group of teenage alcohol and drug users that the magazine article does not even mention. They are by no means the majority but from what I have seen they are of a significant number. This group are mixed up, angry, confused, often with things like anxiety and/or depression. Some of these teenagers are simply going to use drugs and alcohol no matter what parents or anyone else says.

Weather parents use approach 1 or 2 does not matter. One can forget about requesting abstinence or saying their views on drug use. In these cases it is advisable to get some professional input and take the attitude of management of the teenager to get them through the rough years where they will at times use drugs and alcohol excessively. If managed successfully then at the end of adolescence some can come out successfully.

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