Tony White

Hello Shruti,

You ask about the passive-aggressive personality. Yes I have known a few in my time and they are interesting people. First I think I can say it is one of those psychological terms that sounds unpleasant. To be told that one has a passive-aggressive personality type would not sit well with most, one could say. However having said that it is there, or perhaps it is.

If I recall correctly the DSM-III included the passive-aggressive personality disorder but by the time we reached the DSM-IV it had been removed. However it is a diagnosis that one comes across not uncommonly. Thus I can discuss it in the way I have seen the term used.



The passive-aggressive is precisely that, they display their aggression (anger) passively. Thus the treatment goals are clear, to go from passive anger expression to active anger expression. The problem is most of them are completely unaware that they are angry and that they thus show there anger in a problematic way. Often their persona or public presentation is sweet and nice and kind. But it is not long before one feels bad or angry when being around them.

This often is a result when one communicates with them, you walk away feeling angry or upset and you often don’t understand why. It is almost like the anger gets somehow transferred from them to you. This is often done via games like NIGYSOB (Now I have got you you son of a bitch).


Look how tentative the woman on the right is.



Their anger can often be projected and thus you can be convinced by the PA (as they are sometimes known) that you are angry for some reason. Often you will be accused of being angry at them and they will feel misunderstood and unfairly treated. This is a very common clinical feature, being convinced they are being harshly treated by you or others and that they are the innocent party just standing by.

As I said the treatment goals are clear. Firstly getting the PA to recognise they are angry and then getting them to express that anger in at least a semi straight way. However that is easier said than done. Not an easy task usually.



The other thing that I have learnt over the years is to simply give them positive strokes. They will not know what to do with this as it is so unusual for them. They are much more used to people feeling bad around them and to be feeling misunderstood. To suddenly have some one being positive to them is unknown. Of course their Free Child craves such a thing and it is this that can sometimes cause the chink in the armour and provides the therapeutic way in to further achievements.

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