Tony White

I guess I am just the client from hell because when my therapist said things that sounded like he thought I should 'like' anxiety, it only made me rage at him like a rabid animal.

Good video, Tony. I'm glad you made another one.

Posted by: Ethereal Highway | Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Hi Tony,

Rather than learning to like the anxiety, what about getting angry at the anxiety or laughing at it. Would that work as well? I was anxious about something a little while back and decided to laugh about it and it certainly seemed to help!! I suppose it takes you away from whatever it is that is causing the anxiety and gives another focus. It doesn't always work but maybe it's another way to try and get on top of it.

Posted by: KazzaB | Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Loving my rabid-ness actually helped me more. Especially in figuring out why such a suggestion would create such anger. I could then see where the anger belonged. It is truly disgusting that someone could purposely create paralyzing fear for a small child. Even more disgusting to then claim to love the child. It creates a very tangled mess that is not easily sorted. Pay me no mind, though, because I don't guess I'm the 'usual' panic attack sufferer.

I think doing more vids would be nice, Tony. I'll be sure to stop in and watch for them as you do such a good job.

Posted by: Ethereal Highway | Tuesday, 30 December 2008

This is not true for everyone, Tony. I am a lot less anxious than I used to be and I do not make friends with anxiety. Things like this can be extremely complex for some people. I posted about it at my place in case you are wondering what might be an exception to this rule of trying to befriend anxiety. It is the second post down.

Posted by: Ethereal Highway | Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Interesting ideas, Tony. Right now I am sitting with how my anxiety level rises when working anxious clients.

Posted by: Hullaballoo | Wednesday, 31 December 2008

I was wondering what NYE meant, then i thought maybe New Year? Well that's the one I'm going with. AND... does that clock do Sydney New year time on my screen but Perth New Year time on your screen?

I just thought then... is that a silly question?

Posted by: roses | Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Maybe the next video could be on depression?

kenoath

Posted by: kenoath | Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Roses, I think strictly speaking I think it should say NYD+00:00:01 , but I am being pedantic!!!
;-)


ok, so I think you are saying make friends with the anxiety and by bringing it into the relational then you bring it to a pre-verbal level??????

Is that what you are saying?

Is that why you are saying making friends with it, cosI am not sure I get the logic of it really. I know in making friends you stop fighting it, but overall, I am with what Lynn is saying.

Unless it is a means to another end that I am not understanding.

Posted by: Kahless | Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Anxious attachments. Is that like when we need to hold something that we're frightened of (for me it would be a spider or something I believe i shouldn't trust or like) and feel tense and afraid of the action the whole time?

OR

Is it because our parents weren't able to form a stable attachment with us then we don't know how it's done either?

Because honestly, both of those would be pretty frightening.

Posted by: roses | Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Yeah... i don't know.

Posted by: roses | Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Tony,
What Kahless is saying...
When working with people in a business or employment somewhere we have to learn to put personalities aside. Then we are able to work with each others strengths.

I am good at contracting others to do what they don't want to do. They go home after a day with me and wonder why they're doing what they're doing. I know this because often they phone me when they get home or need to talk to me again the next day. New things confuse us, so we need clarification on the new so we can see them apart from the habits already formed. We also need to be encouraged that the 'new' is a good thing that will benefit us - just need to reiterate it often... that's all.

Yeah... programing.

But if i can see what my anxiety has actually saved me from and accept that then when the anxious feelings come i am able to work my way through it rather than fight against it - creating a process rather than a battle?

Is that what you mean Tony?

Posted by: roses | Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Thank you for your comment on my post, Tony. And I am glad that you accept me when I speak plainly, so I dare to do it here knowing that you understand. I would like to propose an alternative that I have had more success with than all of the other things put together. I can't be that unique, so perhaps it could work for some other other people, too. It depends on the situation, I guess.

What I have done is not to embrace the anxiety, but to dare to condemn those who created it. I dare to accuse them, scream at them, curse them, and to tell the truth. I don't make light of the anxiety as that would serve to ridicule the very real and appropriate fear of the child inside who first encountered it. I don't celebrate the anxiety as that would only serve to celebrate the abominable situation that caused it. The cause is an outrage and the child is right. I think people might want to stop coddling abusive parents. It helps a lot. I rarely use antianxiety medications anymore. I am no longer housebound. I am by no means 'cured', but I finally have real improvements that seem to have some kind of lasting power. Nothing else has ever had lasting power and I have spent the last 23 years trying everything under the sun. Only the REAL (child's) truth can set people free. This might scare parents, and I think that is why it is frowned upon, but what parent who really loves their child would not want them to be free? Parents might be advised to confront their own problems instead of silencing their adult children.

Maybe there is a nonintrusive way that I do not know about for therapists to discerne whether or not a client's problem might be due to childhood abuse before they recommend things that will only solidify dissociation for this population. Shoring up dissociation that is breaking down is only temporary. If the anxiety came from severe childhood abuse, you can bet that the child probably used dissociation to some extent to be near the abuser (the original cause of anxiety). Of course embracing the anxiety (abuser) will temporarily solve the problem. It will because the need for the dissociation is then born anew. It will crumble again at a later date, too. I think people need to be allowed to tell the truth and not be frowned upon if anger or hatred is aimed at people who maimed them. There are too many lies out there about anger and hatred. They don't harm people unless someone acts out with violence. They will and do harm the person who has to swallow them down and pretend for the sake of a fake society which will not hear the truth. Perhaps it should be considered that righteous anger and appropriate condemnation of abuse is what survivors of severe interpersonal trauma might need to be free to embrace. For once, the truth. If such a thing caught on, it could one day spare future generations of children.

Thank you for letting me tell it here, Tony, for as I'm sure you know, one size never seems to fit all.

Posted by: Ethereal Highway | Wednesday, 31 December 2008

So then Tony if that's the case...

"So the child attaches to what it considers is unstable and thus it is an anxious attachment"

... then, does the child (later in life also) consider every emotional attachment - or 'other kind' of attachment for that matter - a potentially 'unstable' one and is therefore anxious about most attachments?

Posted by: roses | Friday, 02 January 2009

Ok.
So...
I don't think i understand so much. No attachment is forever. Is it? I mean, its nice to have close friends or family relationships but they don't last forever. Close proximity is not always possible forever and communication isn't always going to be possible either. Not all the time.

Emotionally, in my mind, things change all the time - things happen or we change - and sometimes people just grow apart naturally, you know?

So are you saying that for some people, attachments aren't supposed to be shifting and changing all the time? That they depend on those attachments more than they can depend on them themselves? And when they form an attachment, they need to have atleast one 'shaky' attachment to feel anxious about because that's normal for their daily life?

There are a few attachments that i personally would find difficult to have to stretch in distance or communication (yes, i'm including death in that statement) but in time they desolve - they aren't forever.

Our marriage is an attachment that we shift and change regularly - like you have over the years in your work. Changing positions in your marriage to Psychology - prisons, homes, your private office, teaching, learning, counselling, being counselled - we change our positions and continue our practice of marriage like you do your practice of Psychology i guess.

Am i being insensitive again? I'm being a bit conscious about that now.

I've never been alone. It would be a difficult transition to make but a transitional journey that must be taken when the time comes. I have been preparing for it for quite some time now. *shrugs* Just the way it is.

Posted by: roses | Saturday, 03 January 2009

Also Tony...

... for there to be an 'anxiousness' about an attachment, does that mean that to make an attachment that is scary, one needs to search for someone that won't provide a reciprical attachment or allow a connection at their end of the equation?

Did that make sense? Umm...

Soft ball!
I'm Keeper and you're on first base right? Bases are empty.
Batter's up and it's strike 3. I catch the ball and before the batter begins to run the ball is already in the air towards you (first base).

1. You just stand there. For some reason or other you have deliberately not caught the ball and i'm depending on you to. I remember that we aren't getting along very well and you just stand there and give me a glare - inside I knew i couldn't trust you. Is that like an 'Anxious attachment'?

2. You attempt to catch the ball but i know you are not competent at it and yes - you miss it again. Although i can see plainly the situation, i put you on first base anyway. 'Anxious attachment'?

But in such an attachment style, we don't fully understand that we know people as well as we do, and don't realise that we're searching around all over to find someone that will be unable or unwilling to connect with our attachment to them?

We know exactly what we're doing but pretend or refuse to acknowledge it?

Posted by: roses | Saturday, 03 January 2009

So, you're talking about - mother, father, children (sibling) and life partner type attachments?

I thought it also included friends and stuff.

Umm, (scary question coming up) What do you mean when you say that some don't achieve it? I can't imagine it.

Posted by: roses | Sunday, 04 January 2009

Sorry Tony... i meant when you said this...

"However attachments can and do change over periods of time in a slow way except when there is an abrupt end to a relationship through divorce or death. Then the attachment is devastated and the person must go through the detachment process. Some manage to achieve this and some do not"

... i can't imagine what you mean.

Posted by: roses | Sunday, 04 January 2009

Ohh, i can imagine that but with out the real feelings. It sounds yucky and i don't want to get stuck like that.

How does one detach? I don't want to get stuck. Only some right?

I'm going to bed now - it's 10.41pm. Nite.

Posted by: roses | Sunday, 04 January 2009