Saturday, 17 January 2009
Sex
By now I have just about everyone’s attention and for those of you who I don’t, then you need therapy. Also my number of hits for today is just about to shoot through the roof with all those deviants out there who repeatedly trawl the net for porn. And I will probably get bombard with all sorts of spam over the next few days as well.
I told you I would get a lot of attention.
The real title for this post was meant to be attention seeking behaviour (ASB). CinicallyClueless made a good comment on the last post. I have talked before about self harm with the motive of seeking attention and the comment that CC made usually comes up sooner or later. I recall one woman who stated that she would never return to this blog again because of my contention about ASB and self harm. She stated that such comments were neither helpful nor true. One problem with her comment is that just because something may be unhelpful does not make it untrue.
However CinicallyClueless has provided an opportunity to talk about the whole area of ASB in general. I am forever surprised about some people’s aversion to others who apparently seek attention from others. For heavens sake we all do it day in and day out. All humans engage in ASB regularly.
Why did I mention sex in the title because I knew it would grab your attention. So what do we humans do? We get scantily clad women to lie on top of cars and hold up big power drills because we know that it will grab men’s attention and thus they are more likely to buy the product.
Sex and attention
Then we have the press who do ASB all the time. Why? Because that is what their business is about. More attention means bigger circulations and higher ratings on television and radio. So what do they do? The press sell fear.
They know that humans are hard wired to be hypervigilant to fear. For the survival of the species we need to be vigilant about danger and it is our feelings of fear or anxiety which alerts us to that. So if the press can highlight something as dangerous then they know humans will react with fear and thus they will get their attention. So the press use fear as an ASB.
We are lead to believe that there is a pedophile behind every bush just waiting to jump out on our children. The dangers of the road toll are grossly over exaggerated and here where I live in Australia we have the press funding helicopters to fly over our beaches looking for sharks in the middle of summer when everyone goes swimming. And you know what? They find them every now and then and lots of pictures are taken. They go looking for sharks in the ocean and they find them. Why do they find them? Because that’s where they happen to live. But they have a business to run and their product is fear. So they use it and they get lots of attention.
Now I have cohabited with a few females in my time and there is just one thing that us guys don’t get. You’re at home doing one’s domestic duties and you go into the bathroom open the cabinet to get the tooth paste and there it is! You are confronted with a huge array of bottles, tubes and squeegees of every colour and type. Nail polish, rouge, brushes, eyeliner, lip stick, combs, powders, creams, tweezers, scissors, eye lash curlers and other devices that defy explanation. The poor guy just gives up his search for the tooth paste, shakes his head, closes the cupboard door and goes and has a lie down.
What is that all about? ASB.
The other thing about cosmetics is that it is actually a ‘double banger’ for the woman. This probably explains why it is a multi zillion dollar a year industry and throws more light onto the concept of ASB. Whilst allowing her to seek attention it also allows her to do endless self grooming with the never ending series of beauty treatments. It allows her to give attention to herself. It gives her a valid reason to do so and thus some do for many hours indeed. They are enabled to do self ASB as well as others ASB
(Perhaps an interesting concept in regards to ASB via self harm)
Beauty treatments! The nemesis of every male.
What is the gift you can give to someone who has everything? Indeed what is the best gift of all to give?
Attention.
And again humans have managed to turn this into a money spinner as well. They are called greeting cards. You could give someone another CD or the latest kitchen time saving device for their birthday. Or you could give them a birthday card with some lovely words in it. Which one is going to feel the best to the receiver? What are you giving them?
Attention.
Finally I have to mention therapy and ASB. Clients can do ASB by buying it from a therapist. They can go to a therapist and get all that attention for hours on end. If they go to group therapy then they can even get much more for the same price.
So what’s my point? If someone self harms to seek attention they are doing nothing different to what all people do every day. However doing ASB via self harming does have some unique features. That will be the topic of then next post which I will probably write tomorrow.
Graffiti
18:47 Permalink | Comments (17) | Email this
Comments
I want my money back, where's the sex lol?
I think you may be over-generalising about women and make-up. Not every woman wears make up, and of those who do many often go without it. So, why do we women buy shed loads of it?
Force of habit
Time structuring
The packaging on the products looks pretty
They feel good when they wear it. From this, it doesn't follow that they feel bad when they don't, although some do.
Enjoyment of colour
I put it to you, Mr Graffiti, that you secretly crave the wearing of extensive layers of make-up and are envious of women who already have the permission to do so. Discuss.
Posted by: Hullaballoo | Saturday, 17 January 2009
I don't buy make-up and I don't wear it. I figure this is the way I be and if people don't like it, well that's there problem, not mine. So there. Just my bit of philosophy for this bright sunny morning in Oxford.
Posted by: gezunda | Saturday, 17 January 2009
Hi Tony,
Thanks for the mention. I worked as a behaviorist for four years and a social worker for seven. At least here in the U.S., when someone says, "for attention," regarding "problem behavior," it is used in a condenseding and dismissive manner. Such as, "Oh, she just wants attention." Usually when used in this manner the person receives hostile or irritated interaction, so that becomes reinforcing.
However, I approach it as all behavior is communication of some type and "problematic behavior," as such, is ASB, but that carries a stigma and sets the ground work for clinicians and care givers to be irritated and dismissive as if it isn't important because "they just want attention."
I would never write a goal indicating that the antecedent is for attention. It would be very specific such as wanting staff to speak with them, wanting to play a game, wanting to spend time, wanting staff/parent to interact with them instead of another client/sibling. Or, attention seeking in the wording of way of requesting help, way of expressing pain, way to let someone know they want help, etc...
I all of my work settings I rarely used the phrase ASB. I would instead write goals that were specific to the type of attention that they wanted which was much more helpful and could be carried out and helped others understand and be more compassionate including the client themselves. "Well, what is it that you wanted from X at the time?" It focuses in specifically on the problem. Maybe it is comfort that they seek or a relief from pain. Well, then you focus in on alternative was of seeking comfort and relief instead of looking for other ways of getting attention which is rarely the real goal. One has to go a step further.
As a matter of make up, I rarely use make up and I am perfectly fine with it. To illustrate my point above. If you were to go to the make up counter or any women's clothing department and told someone that they are purchasing that to get attention, I probably would produce some shame even though we all do it all the time and it is the norm. But, the idea of "wanting/needing" attention is stigmatized...right or wrong, it is the reality.
The same goes for therapy and group therapy. It is a specific type of attention they are seeking. I think that naming the specifics is much more helpful and destigmatizing. You and I both know that we can label a client as ASB and the whole view changes. Where as if you say to yourself, "she is really going through a lot of stress in her life and is in need of some extra attention and care." That is a much different approach.
As far as the amount of make up, there are many reasons a person wears make up for gaining sexual attention from others, wanting to be noticed and acknowledged as pretty, to boost their self-esteem, and for a special occassion as it is a societal norm. Yes, those are attention-seeking words, but it has a different feel.
Obviously, I am passionate about this topic which is partly due to my being dismissed as "attention-seeking" by my mother for normal development. Also, I have seen so many staff and parents soften their hearts when they look at it as more than simply ASB. When I remove that phrase, work and progress begins to happen. ASB I find immediately puts the client in a defensive stance and caregivers in an irritated and defensive roll..."I'm not giving him/her enough attention. Well, do you know what I do...." This versus, "Oh, he/she needs to talk about her feelings about what happened at work."
Sorry, I went on so.
Posted by: ClinicallyClueless | Saturday, 17 January 2009
Hi Tony,
Thanks for the mention. I worked as a behaviorist for four years and a social worker for seven. At least here in the U.S., when someone says, "for attention," regarding "problem behavior," it is used in a condenseding and dismissive manner. Such as, "Oh, she just wants attention." Usually when used in this manner the person receives hostile or irritated interaction, so that becomes reinforcing.
However, I approach it as all behavior is communication of some type and "problematic behavior," as such, is ASB, but that carries a stigma and sets the ground work for clinicians and care givers to be irritated and dismissive as if it isn't important because "they just want attention."
I would never write a goal indicating that the antecedent is for attention. It would be very specific such as wanting staff to speak with them, wanting to play a game, wanting to spend time, wanting staff/parent to interact with them instead of another client/sibling. Or, attention seeking in the wording of way of requesting help, way of expressing pain, way to let someone know they want help, etc...
I all of my work settings I rarely used the phrase ASB. I would instead write goals that were specific to the type of attention that they wanted which was much more helpful and could be carried out and helped others understand and be more compassionate including the client themselves. "Well, what is it that you wanted from X at the time?" It focuses in specifically on the problem. Maybe it is comfort that they seek or a relief from pain. Well, then you focus in on alternative was of seeking comfort and relief instead of looking for other ways of getting attention which is rarely the real goal. One has to go a step further.
As a matter of make up, I rarely use make up and I am perfectly fine with it. To illustrate my point above. If you were to go to the make up counter or any women's clothing department and told someone that they are purchasing that to get attention, I probably would produce some shame even though we all do it all the time and it is the norm. But, the idea of "wanting/needing" attention is stigmatized...right or wrong, it is the reality.
The same goes for therapy and group therapy. It is a specific type of attention they are seeking. I think that naming the specifics is much more helpful and destigmatizing. You and I both know that we can label a client as ASB and the whole view changes. Where as if you say to yourself, "she is really going through a lot of stress in her life and is in need of some extra attention and care." That is a much different approach.
As far as the amount of make up, there are many reasons a person wears make up for gaining sexual attention from others, wanting to be noticed and acknowledged as pretty, to boost their self-esteem, and for a special occassion as it is a societal norm. Yes, those are attention-seeking words, but it has a different feel.
Obviously, I am passionate about this topic which is partly due to my being dismissed as "attention-seeking" by my mother for normal development. Also, I have seen so many staff and parents soften their hearts when they look at it as more than simply ASB. When I remove that phrase, work and progress begins to happen. ASB I find immediately puts the client in a defensive stance and caregivers in an irritated and defensive roll..."I'm not giving him/her enough attention. Well, do you know what I do...." This versus, "Oh, he/she needs to talk about her feelings about what happened at work."
Sorry, I went on so.
Posted by: ClinicallyClueless | Saturday, 17 January 2009
Well Gez,
that sounds like a good bit of Oxford philosophy to me.
Good for you
Graffiti
Posted by: Graffiti | Saturday, 17 January 2009
What does Oxford philosophy mean?
Posted by: ClinicallyClueless | Saturday, 17 January 2009
Hello Hulla,
No refunds I am afraid. “Youse paid youse money and that is it” as they say in the movies
Also, I am a lot of things my friend but a cross dresser or cross make-upper I am not. Never had the urge to make my self look like woman I must say. But you never know maybe one day. I see that Boy Grorge is in a little bit of bover and I wouldn’t want to end up like him.
I have been reductionistic as you note and those do seem reasons why women may engage in such beauty treatments. But it seems reasonable to assume that she is also seeking attention of some kind.
But you know what the strangest thing is, from the women I have known I think they do it more for the female attention rather than the male. If one goes into a social gathering it is the females who notice which other females are wearing the designer lables and who is not. The males are too dopey to notice and are more interested in football and the beer.
So all that make up and so forth, attention seeking as it may be, I think is more about competing with other females than about trying to land themselves a man.
Graffiti
Posted by: Tony | Saturday, 17 January 2009
Hi CC,
I think Gezunda was trying to be philosophical and it just happens that she is holidaying in Oxford at this time. Nothing more than that I think.
It is late and I will comment more tomorrow
Cheers
Graffiti
Posted by: Tony | Saturday, 17 January 2009
I think that when a lot of us are kids we are given the message that attention seeking behaviour is a really bad thing.
If we did a poll to ask what ASB meant to most people it would come out as having a negative meaning.
I think people react to self harm being called ASB when it is presented as the sole reason and given that most people associate the term ASB as being selfish, self asorbed, etc etc.
Posted by: Kahless | Sunday, 18 January 2009
Oh and definately yes,
What I really liked about therapy was that it was my chance to actually sit down and talk to someone and they listened and responded to me. I had time to express myself.
I liked that.
I dont care that I had to pay for someone to listen to me.
Posted by: Kahless | Sunday, 18 January 2009
Oh, and the young men of today in Britain at least, probably have as much "product" in the bathroom as their girlfriends!
Posted by: Kahless | Sunday, 18 January 2009
I think Kahless, that the young men of England (and for that matter Australia, US etc...) have probably learned that the 'product' wearing women really notice each other and so have put in their bids, and have joined the race to claim some of the women-to/against-women attention for themselves. Not every man/adolesent/boy is muscular and hunk like, some are fine and attractive or chubby and shy or a mix of everything. It appears to be all about attection seeking and the fierce competition involved in the human ASB scene. I've noticed it too and have been watching if for a little while. Its kind of cute. People are so clever aren't we?
Tony.
I am totally full of it! ASB that is. I think i'd curl up and die if no one paid attention to me. Holy Smokes! I pay so much attention to so many others that i need attention from someone towards me. Its like we have tanks of the 'Attention' resource and if that tank isn't continually being filled by me and others then i have none to give out. I can pretend to give attention while my tank is empty but that's feeding people with food that has no nourishment. People can get very sick when that happens. Its dangerous!
Knowing that fact - about my ASB - i need always to remember to get about a bit and share out the burden among many. But some attention is sweeter than others and its hard sometimes to leave some of the sweets for others. So i deliberately make a decision to obstain from the sweet stuff for a bit. A couple of days here and there just so its not so suffocating for them.
There are times and a majority of time when i need to be alone though. That is often for me to pay attention to me rather than everyone else i guess.
Like how often, a mechanic's car is the most dodgy one to ever drive or green keepers lawns are rarely kept - its so easy to forget about our own lives upkeep when busily involved in others.
This is one of your most coolest posts Tony! Cheers...
Posted by: roses | Sunday, 18 January 2009
Hello, will I get some attention if I post here?
kenoath
Posted by: kenoath | Sunday, 18 January 2009
Ken,
I think Tony really likes you. As do i but i don't think you like the attention i give you. I don't know why - so i'm careful when giving you my attention. I think it makes you angry.
But i think Tony likes you and you like him so i hope you get some attention that you like from him soon. He knows how to do the word thing with you and i don't.
I hope you get some nice attention soon... roses
Posted by: roses | Sunday, 18 January 2009
Well I, in fact Kenoath sent you some attention about two hours ago but I just realized my comment did not come through. So maybe there is a secret attention filter held in blogspirit.
Any way here is some more attention for you
graffiti
Posted by: Graffiti | Sunday, 18 January 2009
That would be right, a limiter on my fast lane attention seeking ways. Sometimes I even surprise myself.
kenoath
Posted by: kenoath | Sunday, 18 January 2009
{{{{Kenoath}}}}}
You always have my attention.
Posted by: Kahless | Monday, 19 January 2009
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