Tony White

Self discovery and the parental therapist

In the last post I talked about the therapist who practices in what is called ‘psychoeducation’ approach to counselling. This means the counselling has very much an educational flavour. The therapist sees self in the role of counsellor plus educator, like a teacher is an educator. So they are kind of a teacher plus therapist. Some CBT courses can be a bit like this where people are taught relaxation exercises, thought stopping techniques, behavioural strategies and so forth.

When this is the case the counsellor takes on what could be seen as a parental type role and there certainly is a group of therapists who would fit this genre. The parental type therapist. I have heard many clients over the years ask for this type of thing. They say they are seeking a therapist who will be like a big nurturing, kind, safe, person who also provides answers, gives directions, solves problems, protects and so forth.


Telling instead of allowing self discovery



Many say this is the kind of thing they are truly looking for. Unfortunately it is like fools gold and by and large most people find it is not what they want when they eventually find it. Few end up actually wanting this (in the long term at least).

With the parental therapist the client is afforded much less opportunity to have self generated insight, epiphanies, self discovery and so forth. As such things come to the surface in the process of counselling the parental therapist will generally tell the client what is happening, how they are involved in playing the games, educate them on different behavioural options, give them solutions to their problems etc.

Sooner or later this ends up with the client feeling like they are being told what to do and they have little opportunity to find things out for self. From what I have seen most will eventually move away from such an approach to counselling as it becomes stifling.


We all have a child part that would love to have an 'Earth mother' parent. But it never works out in the long run.



However there is a group who don’t feel smothered and I see these therapists as playing a needed role in the community for this particular group of clients. These are those individuals that are badly psychologically damaged and have adjusted by becoming passive and psychologically incapacitated. They tend to be timid and fragile individuals who struggle to cope day to day because the Child ego state dominates in their personality. They are not bad enough to be institutionalised but they do struggle to cope psychologically and just getting along day to day. They don’t tend to resist authority but will be thankful for the direction given.

I would however divide this group into two subgroups. One difficulty for the parental therapist is they tend to be stuck in that style of counselling and are not capable of working in other ways. Essentially they get stuck in their Parent and Adult and loose their Child ego state flexibility. Thus they form a symbiosis with the client who lacks Adult and Parent ego state function.


Symbiosis

Sometimes this type of fragile and timid client will develop from relational contact with the parental therapist. In essence they out grow the therapist. They get from the therapist what they need and start to develop an Adult and Parent. When that happens the symbiosis starts to break down.

This tends can get quite problematic because they will start to challenge the therapist in their own ‘ineffectual’ way. They essentially start to say, “I am now capable of having my own insights and epiphanies. I don’t need you to do it for me anymore”.

However because they are not psychologically robust individuals they can be talked out of terminating therapy in some cases for long periods of time. The parental therapist often lacks their own insights and understanding of their own limitations as a therapist because they are cut of from their Child ego state.

This can be hard at times for the client because they are conforming. They will be told they still need the therapy when inside they feel and know like they are ready to leave.


These people are very good at inviting parental therapists to come near but then will almost fight them 'to the death'.



Then finally there is another group who really will never be able to stand on their own and make it in life. This type of client can work well with the parental therapist for long periods of time. They get the direction and instruction they need on how to manage their lives and thus cope better than if they did not have that.

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