Tony White

 

Basic relationship diagram

 

 

 

I gain my sense of self or my identity in two ways.

 

Who I am as an individual? Margaret Mahler and others talk about how a child must separate and individuate. The child not only has to psychologically separate from the mother but it also has to individuate or define who it is an an individual separate from others. This is shown as the individual self in the relationship diagram.

 

Who am I in relationship? Whilst we can gain a sense of our identity by who we are as an individual separate from others, humans are also relational beings. They have an ever present desire to be relational. Of course when in a relationship they form an attachment and thus there is a merging of boundaries between self and others. The other becomes part of who we are. Thus our own identity or sense of self is also defined by our bonds or attachments to others. Our own identity is to some degree dependent on the personality of others. The relationship self in the relationship diagram.

 

As a result one could draw the following diagram. The circle of “Me” indicates who I am because of my individuation and because of my attachments. Thus my identity is a combination of my individuated self and my attachments.

 

 

 

If one person would suddenly die then I am left with a problem. Part of my self or my identity becomes confused as an attachment still remains but the person is now deceased.

 

 

 

With the death one then is supposed to grieve. One psychological function of the grief could be to get one’s own identity back in order. To realign it such that there is not the confused aspect any more of having an attachment with a deceased person. The completed grief process could be diagrammed as such:

 

 

 

The attachment is expunged from the sense of self or identity of the individual. So in this sense grief is quite a narcissistic act. It also further explains why some people find grief such a difficult process and will go to great psychological lengths to avoid it.

 

Our sense of identity is obviously very important to us and is not an easy thing to change. It can’t change quickly so upon a death one realises that this change of identity is going to be quite a process and quite a painful process. Hence all the tricks we play on ourselves to stop the Child ego state accepting that the deceased is actually gone for ever.

 

There are some people who are like this

 

 

 

Their sense of self is overly dominated by their attachments as their own sense of individuation is weak. They let those with whom they have relationship define who they are. As their sense of self is weak they seek out others so as to gain some sense of self. To have a poor sense of self is very difficult to tolerate. We humans do not like it at all and will go to great lengths to attain it some way.

 

This diagram explains how a young child comes into the world. It has a very poor sense of its own individuality so it latches onto mother’s identity and borrows hers for a time. It also shows the circumstances for some vine swingers. Those who swing from one relationship to another. When a relationship ends they are most uncomfortable and have a strong need to seek out a new attachment. To have a weak sense of identity is very uncomfortable for us and people will go to great lengths to get a more solid sense of identity. One way to do that is to get someone else define it for you by forming a bond with them

 

 

 

Finally this diagram is domestic violence waiting to happen. A woman like this is very vulnerable because to end the relationship is so psychologically devastating for her and her sense of self. As a consequence she will tolerate high levels of abuse without leaving. There maybe threats to leave and short term separations but no long term split.

 

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