Tony White

Cyberfriend asks:

“I guess the circumstances triggered the dont exist injunction to be acted upon.

But what can determine the when?”
(end quote)




That is a very Gordian question my pommy friend. Why a person would act on the Don’t exist injunction at one point and not at another? As is hypothesised people most often will make these early decisions like the Don’t exist decision within the first 6 years of life and then it remains in their psyche and only becomes ‘operational’ when certain conditions in life arise. They have decided that suicide is a viable solution to certain life events.

One way to answer your question is to look at the different form the Don’t exist decision can take. Seven alternative suicidal decisions have been proposed:

1. If you don’t change I will kill myself
2. If things get too bad I will kill myself
3. I will show you even if it kills me
4. I will get you to kill me
5. I will kill myself by accident
6. I will almost die (over and over) to get you to love me
7. I will kill myself to hurt you.


If one finds they belong no where that may activate the Don't exist decision



These give some idea as to the life circumstances that a person will need to have before acting on their internalised Don’t exist injunction. For instance with number two decision we find that person known as the share market simpleton. This person has taken great risks in shares and now they have lost everything and this could be in their mind when - things get too bad - and thus they will act on the Don’t exist injunction.

With such people one would be questioning them on what - “If things get too bad” - means. It may be related to the loss of money, or marriage or even their reputation. Once you have identified this then you can begin to understand and make predictions about when this person will act on their Don’t exist injunction.

One could take decision number five - “I will kill myself by accident”. Enquiry into the individual’s life on what they are doing that is risky and then looking at any Child ego state magical thinking around the risks they are taking. This will again allow one to make predictions about when this person will carry out their suicidal decision.


This mother made a smart decision




Suicide decision four - “I will get you to kill me” - sometimes happens in domestic violence situations. Alternatively people on death row can have made this type of Don’t exist decision early on in life.

Decision three - “I will show you even if it kills me” - is sort of suicide from a rebellious position. In this situation one would be seeking information about the person’s current relationships and finding out who and what they would want to ‘show’. Once the information is elicited then one again is more capable of answering the question that Cyberfriend asked - How does one determine when a person will act on their Don’t exist injunction?

Graffiti

I am writing a part for a book and need to include a piece about the Parent ego state. A section of which I have enclosed below. As you can see it is about how the Parent ego state is a collection of tapes. I was wanting to include some examples. Is there anyone out there who can give me some of their own experiences or even back channel them to me.

What attitudes or behaviors or things you say and do that are similar to what your parents did when you were a child. You may find your self parenting in the same way you were parented, or if you had a critical father you tend to be critical yourself. You may be critical of others your you may express that criticism to yourself. What behaviors, values, thoughts and feelings have you imitated or copied from your parents? They may possibly be included in what I am writing.



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The Parent ego state is where we have modelled on parent type figures in our life. So it is where we have our values and morals about life. When we have our own children we sometimes find that we are doing and saying things to our own children that were said to us. These are all in our Parent ego state.

The Parent ego state can be seen as a collection of tapes one has in their head that one has copied or learned from parent type figures in his life. This could be mother and father or an older sibling or some other person like a grandparent or an uncle who has had an impact on the young child as he was growing up.



This can be drawn as in diagram 2. This shows how the Parent ego state is a collection of audio and video tapes that are slotted into the person’s head. These are copied by the young child and in this case ther are four major ones. This process is inevitable due to the imitative instinct. Each of us will insticntually copy others around us and in childhood that will particularly include parent figures as they are of extra importance to us. As a result as one grows up and becomes a parent themself one can find self saying things to the children that are the same as was said to them.


Diagram 2
This copying process continues through out ones entire life so the Parent ego state is constantly being updated. However usually the strongest and loudest tapes come from early childhood and it is therefore these ones that mainly influence the individuals behaviour. Often they are quite critical tapes and one ends up with a large ‘internal critic’ that sits in the back of their head and judges what they do each day. They can be changed in adulthood with the inclusion of new noncritical tapes that will counter the highly critical ones from years ago.

Graffiti

Humans have what is known as an attachment hunger . That is we all have a biological, psychological and social hunger for an attachment to a mother [father] figure. Without it in infancy there is a swift decline in our mental and physical health eventually leading to a state of marasmus or 'hospitalism'. This hunger persists throughout our entire lives.



However from adolescence onwards, peer attachments allow the childhood need for a parental attachment to decrease. Thus there is more variety in the type of attachments in adolescence and adulthood. However without at least one firm and secure attachment in adulthood there is also mental and physical decline. This is primarily exhibited by withdrawal behaviour and the various problems associated with that. Most notably the schizoid personality type demonstrates these difficulties. In addition, it is noted that the psychopathic personality is also typified by the lack of the formation of social bonds.
Attachment hunger comes into play at about 5 to 7 months of age. Prior to that time there are indiscriminant attachments. The infant does not discriminate between who is feeding her, changing her or holding her. As a result some call this phase the stage of primary narcissism. At about 6 to 8 months the child develops specific attachments - the object period. The child will develop an attachment to one primary person, most often mother. At this time the child shows a fear of strangers and of being left by the primary object.


With narcissism one does not realize others are missing



If the specific attachment phase proceeds well, after a few more months the child will show a broadening of attachments. First to one other person and then to several others. By 18 months most children have an attachment to several people, with some research showing that only 13 percent of 18 month old children are still exclusively attached to one figure.

It should be noted that these two phases: of the attachment to one figure only, followed by the broadening of attachments to a variety of others may be culture specific. In monomatric families there is a tendency for the child to initially form a single all exclusive attachment to one figure. However in polymatric families, where the care of the child is shared around, this initial single all exclusive attachment is less observable. Whatever the specifics are the child will begin forming attachments around 5 to 8 months of age and there will be a broadening of them over time.


Supermario wallpaper



This is not meant to discard the notion of stimulation hunger or the craving for strokes, recognition and sensory stimulation. The research clearly the human need for stimulation. Stimulation and attachment are in many respects necessary for each others existence. For example it seems impossible that two people could become attached without any stimulation. That is physical and/or non-physical strokes, occurring between them.
Stimulation hunger in part allows the attachment hunger to be satisfied. For attachment to occur there must be stimulation or strokes occurring between the two parties. However that is not enough in itself for attachment to occur. There needs to be other conditions met. First there needs to be a consistency of the person providing the strokes. The few primary parent figures need to be there consistently and stimulating consistently. Second the person providing the strokes needs to be giving something of their own Child ego state to the relationship. A parent who mechanically and disinterestedly gave physical strokes to a child would of course hamper the attachment process. Attachment is a two way process.



The literature notes that one of the most important features for attachment to occur is the, "...readiness with which an individual is prepared to respond to the infant's signals and his general willingness to engage in playful interaction". In transactional analysis terms the parenting figure must be willing to invest his own Child ego state into the interactions with the infant. Both sides need to attach.

Graffiti