Tony White

In the previous post myalterego talks about what is bad with a no-dependency life?

Jacob Bronowski of book fame, “The ascent of man” refers to humans as social solitaries. I have found this a good descriptive term. Humans like their solitude, independence and individuality. At the same time they are communal beings and have a need to be in relationship and belonging with another person and having a sense of belonging to a group of people. So in this sense they are dependent on that other person and group to be there to fulfil their need for belonging.

If I ever present the idea of the dependency hump inevitably there will be comment by someone that once they get over the hump then they can be independent and thus wont need to depend on anyone. Indeed many psychotherapies promote such an ethos - the healthy state is not a state of dependency but a state of independence. Self reliance is highly regarded in some counselling systems.


Belonging



My response is - dependency for life is a healthy state. Without a doubt self reliance, independence and the like are very good qualities to possess in life. I would encourage people to seek those personality qualities and use them in their daily lives.

Just one problem - they are not enough on their own. We need other people to be psychologically strong ourselves. When we depend on a dependable person/group then we are much more psychologically robust than the person who does not have such dependence in their life. So one needs a person(s) on which to be dependent their entire lives until the day they die.

Let’s take a transactional analysis explanation of this.



Person A has a problem in that they feel sad. However they go and use their own internal resources and use internal nurturing to assist their sadness and after time the Child is soothed and the problem is solved. A clear example of a person being self reliant and independent. A most desirable state to have for anyone I think it is safe to say. Some times however it is not enough and consider person B.



Person B feels sad and uses their own internal NP to assist in soothing the Child. However they also ask another person for help and that person offers their caring and kindness. So the Child is self soothed and soothed by others as well. Person B in the long run is going to be much better off than person A because of their willingness to engage others in their time of need. This person is not being self reliant and independent at this point, which I am suggesting is a healthy state.

However person B has one extra problem. As soon as person B transacts with the other, all sorts of very difficult and thorny psychological issues come rushing to the surface. Issues of trust, reliance, need, importance, closeness, dependence and so forth all come rapidly to the fore. As we know these are major issues of psychological importance that sometimes are not easily dealt with. If you get soothing from others then you have to also deal with these issues.


Trust



For some they are simply too difficult and they choose to rarely seek soothing from others. They will never allow themselves to be in that dependent position and thus they will live an emotionally crippled life.

I suggest that the healthy state is where one allows self to have some kind of life coach, mentor, confidant, therapist for the rest of their days. They allow self at times to be the dependent like party in such a relationship and this is a much more psychologically healthy position than the person who is completely self reliant and independent.

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